Contradictions of Control
by mainki
Summary: [ItaSasu, uchihacest, lemon, angst] {...When I close my eyes I always see the same dream, Sasuke. I don't want you ever to find out what this dream is and I don't want it ever to become a reality as we would stop being brothers. I smile as stretch my arm to you awaiting for my medication. Because I killed two people in cold blood and this will keep me under your control...}
1. Illusion

**Contradictions of control.**

**Chapter 1. Illusion**

_disclaimer: Itachi and Sasuke don't belong to me. I wish they did. _

_warnings: ItaSasu, lemons , uchihacest, mental & psychological torture, angst. If I Think of something more, I'll let you know. The story is AU. Sasuke and Itachi are of legal age (21/27); Itachi is OOC in the first chapter- you will understand why, i couldn't do anything about it. As always it's the fiction that dictates me how it is to be written._

_About : here you go guyz, those who know me I 'm true to myself in my style of writing. Don't expect light leasure time reading or fluffy romances. You are warned, so that there are no more complaints in the end of this fic. Rated M for a reason. The good thing- I update regularly and don't abandon my stories unfinished._

_one last thing: this fic is dedicated to someone special, this person knows._

_ Mainki_

9:21. There is a room behind the wall. I can hear the water there dripping slowly from the tap. It's hitting the aluminum sink with monotonous sharp ringing as the drops shatter against the metal. Drip. Drip. Drop.

Drip. Drip. Drop.

9:21. The ticking of the clock is echoing in my head, from my left ear into my right one. I can almost hear the friction of mechanical parts, wheels, springs , even tiny screws grinding against each other in this complicated clock machine on the wall.

9:22. I turn my head to the left and stare at the white metal door with a small window on the eye-level with bars over it. This small window will be closed from the outside by sliding a thin slab at 22:00 every night or earlier if I don't behave well.

9:23. I turn my head to look in front of me. I see a white wall with nothing on it. Just a white wall. No, wait. There is this big round clock on the wall. It's my best friend. After the tap.

Drip. Drip. Drop.

9:24. I dislike having my arms crossed on my chest for so long and the sleeves they are in are tied too tight behind my back. I allow them to do it. It's necessary. But I dislike it.

9:25. Standing proved to be too hard. I sit on the floor where I fell. I have to get up. Get up. Get up.

9:27. I am still on the floor. The clock is staring at me from the wall. It sounds like it's laughing at me. It's so round and I can feel it's watching eyes over me. Constantly. You wait, I will get up soon and we'll see who will be the last one to laugh. Who will be the one to watch. You or me.

9:29. Drip. Drip. Drop. Be quiet. Just be silent. Shut up! Drip. Drip. Drop.

9:30. I can hear the steps behind the door and the rattling. I know it's them. I can feel them. I feel them carrying it on the small tray in the left hand. Always.

9:31. Yes. The keys are inserted in the lock. One turn. Another. Then a half turn. Yes. That's it. Now push this door open, push it open. Yes, like that.

9:32. Close it behind. Yes. No, I don't need more people here. Why is it so many of you? What do you want? Why are you all staring at me?

9:34. I don't want to get up. I am good here, on the floor. Don't lift me up by my elbows. No.

9:35. Are you untying my arms? Are you crazy? Don't do it, you know what will happen if you do. Don't do it! Are you deaf?

9:36. what is it in your hand? Injection? I don't want it. Let go of me. I said I don't want injections.

9:37. in my vein? Again? What have I done? I didn't do anything! What for?! Let go of me!

9:38. don't you dare take this restraining jacket off me. You know what happens if you do. Don't do it! Why are you taking it off?

9:39. I don't want injections! Leave me alone! Let go of me! Sasuke! No!

9:39…

9:39…

9:40. Drip. Drip. Drop.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Is that all you can do for him? Just this?"

"We are sorry, Uchiha-sama. There are no other alternatives left. He is getting worse and nothing is helping. We tried him on every medication possible. It is the only option."

"And what if I refuse to approve it?"

"Then we are not responsible anymore. If something happens again…"

"I know, I know." Sasuke rubbed his forehead tiredly before answering "I'm taking him home with me."

The doctor's eyes widened and got a scared glint mixed with a warning, nearly close to skepticism.

"You can't do that, with all my respect, Uchiha-sama…"

Sasuke landed his fist on the wall to demonstrate what he could.

"I brought him here and I'm taking him back. That's my last word. Or I'll get your little psycho-institution closed within hours. As if I don't know about these lower levels, with many-many dirty little cells that don't look as neat and clean as this floor here. And the public there is not as healthy and well taken care of as this one, on the surface."

He got the point. Sasuke knew how to persuade if he had to. (No, brother, you are not staying here a day longer. Not a day more.)

"We will prepare him for transportation".

Sasuke bit his lip

"There is no need. I'll drive him myself. Your job is done".

Itachi's doctor looked at the younger Uchiha as if he needed more help than his brother. Sasuke glared meaningfully and the doctor had no other choice but to nod and give orders to his little run-around team to stuff Sasuke's older brother with more relaxants and stab him with multiple injections so that he could be taken home after 8 months of this nightmare.

(Would he ever forgive me for that? Or would my life end as quickly as my friend's when Itachi found out about what had happened?

I was in debt to him and even if it meant to risk my life now I would take him home. He was my brother. And he didn't deserve all this.)

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

My body is like a cloud, or a big spongy foam, bouncing and wiggling, all beyond my control. Arms, legs, head, all my limbs are strangely boneless, as if made of rubber or some bizarre flexible material. No, rubber fits well. And my ears too, and my eyes. All are made of rubber. Everything is stretching and spinning and slowly floating from one side to the other. Like an air bubble in oil. No, drop of oil in water. Drip...drop…I can't hear it now. Drip? Drop? ... hmm…it's gone.

I thought I could see my brother sitting next to me on the driver's seat in a car. It must be an illusion, my dream.

"S-s-s-as—s-u-kke" how hard it is to pronounce his name. He looks so real, his blackish- bluish hair, his face, his eyes, his hands on the steering wheel. Of a car? He is turning his head…so slowly…and his face is stretching now and breaking into sliding squares like a maze…no, 'maze' is wrong. Like a domino. Yes, domino is better. Or a chess board. White and …what color is a chess board?…chess…board…color…

"S-a-a-su".

It's such a beautiful illusion, I wish I could move my fingers and reach my hands to him, to squeeze his hand with my fingers...my fingers are so rubbery, so liquid, formless. They all have lives of their own and they like squeezing things and touching things and not only things...they are evil, my fingers. I want to kill them slowly. Like the tap. Drip. Drip?

Wait, he is turning his head…so slowly...and he is looking at me and he is... he looks so real! I can smell his breath and it is sweet, like milk and honey…and almonds ...like cyanide…where is my clock? I can't hear it. Where is it?!

"Wh-wh-e..-"

He is cupping his hand over my cheek, it feels so warm, so soft.

"I will take you home, brother".

I wish you did, Sasuke. I wish you did. You are my illusion.

Now everything started moving. Why? It doesn't feel like white anymore. It's so ugly when it's not white. I can't see when it's not white.

"W-a-a-at-er-er". I need to drink. My mouth it's so dry. So dry, so dry.

He …is still here, my Sasuke. He has not disappeared, my mirage. He is…driving? Are we driving? Who is he?

"S-a-a-su-u-kke-e?"

"Yes, Itachi, we are nearly there."

We stopped. The car stopped. And he is …opening the door? …it hurts my ears so much. But I can see more and it's my fingers again. They are coming back to life. I want to kill them. I want to break them one by one. Break them.

Something warm is covering them. Sasuke's fingers?

"Itachi, it will be alright soon. You don't need to hurt yourself. Let me help you up. Like that, just lean against me. Don't worry, I will take care of you."

My legs are not walking, they are sliding on the ground and my knees feel as if they are gone.

"Sa-suke, my legs…"

"I know, Itachi, I know. Don't worry, we are almost there. I'll carry you on my back if I have to."

He is smiling. My Sasuke, he is smiling, he is helping me and there is the door. The door to …

"Is this?..." he is steadying me against the wall.

"Yes, Itachi. We are home."

He is opening the door with his key and offers his shoulder for me to lean on.

"S-sa-asu.."..

"Come on, Itachi. Make an effort, huh? "

He is trying to scrape me off the wall, but I'm holding tight. I don't want to. Don't make me! I don't want to! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!

Sasuke is letting go. I'm closing my eyes. Rubber eyes. Now I will open them again and he will be gone. He will be gone. Where is my tap?

"Itachi, help me, please. Help me just a little bit. One step and I'll do the rest. Please, Itachi. One step."

No! He is not real! He is an illusion! Let go of me! Leave me alone! I don't want!

He is trying again, but I'm digging my fingers into the brick wall. My fingers just cracked so strangely.

"Itachi, please. One step."

"No!"

He opens the door. I can hear it. I can feel a weak current of air, a breeze, as if somebody is waving a fan in my face. Like in childhood. It's so pleasant this wind, soft and cool. Sasuke, do you remember? It feels like the swings from childhood, do you remember?

"Yes, Itachi. I do."

"Can you hear me, Sasuke?"

"Yes, I can. Open your eyes, Itachi. We are home. Open your eyes and help me. Just one step. Please."

I can't believe him, but I'm opening my eyes. Here he is standing in front of me, waving a magazine or a newspaper in my face.

"Are you real, Sasuke?"

I can't believe it.

"Yes, brother. "

He slides me by the wall into the open door.

I am home.

"Itachi, careful!" I think I have fallen down. I landed on the floor. Tatami. It's not white, it's not soft. I have to touch it, taste it. Is it tatami? Sasuke is leaning over me, he is pulling me up. Again.

"Itachi, let's get up. Let's get up and you can rest." I don't want to get up. I have to know if it is... It tastes like fibers and socks, like tatami.

"Itachi, don't. let's get up."

"Sas-s-ukk-e? Is it you?" I have to see him, my fingers are catching his elbow and pulling him down, closer to my face. He is …Sasuke…He is such a real illusion. Sasuke. He landed on top of me, his chest pressing against mine, I can feel his hot breath when he whispers "Itachi…". No, wait. What are you doing? I just wanted to look at you close, are you Sasuke? Why are you covering my mouth with your hand?

What are you doing, Sasuke? His eyes are so black, and he is not looking in my eyes. Why? Slowly he approaches, lower and lower…why, Sasuke? Why are you freezing above your knuckles just an instant before you are…landing a kiss on them? I can't do anything, Stop it! Stop now!

Now you parted from your own hand and slowly your face is going up, away from me. You are now looking me in my eyes...What is it, Sasuke? Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you breathing so heavily? What are you staring at now, Sasuke? Why did you cover my mouth? Why did you kiss your hand? Sasuke? Look at me!

His face is approaching again. Now faster. It is like a wave, these movements. Why does it remind of a wave? Is it his breath on me, is it his face closer now or is it his body sliding against mine? Stop it! What are you doing? He is spreading his fingers and I feel the warmth of his tongue tracing their contours, it tickles my lips and makes me open my mouth. His tongue is skimming , touching, sliding, gliding over my top lip. Where is your hand, Sasuke? When did you remove it? Why are you kissing me? Sasuke. We must not, we are brothers.

Let go of me! No! Where is the drip drop of my tap? Let go of me!

I am pushing him away with all my strength, but my body is not moving. I want to push him away, but …NO!

His hand has found it. His fingers have found it. Now he knows.

"Sa-suke. No."

"Yes, Itachi…ye-ss"

Why is he doing this? I can feel him, releasing me from my trouser-prison, slowly stroking over the fabrics of my underwear what I don't want him to touch.

"No".

"Yes".

His chin is sharp and sliding down my chest, his face is in my abdomen now, and his hand is under the elastic, and lower, he straightens 'it' up from being so uncomfortably bent and …

Sasuke, stop it. What are you doing?! Sasuke, no!

He pulls it out and his lips are approaching it, while his hand is steadying it and …he kisses it gently almost innocently just there where it's leaking from.

God, Sasuke, how can you?

He takes the top in his mouth and sucks it in, slightly, swirling his tongue and running his index finger and a thumb down its length, down to the base and up.

I am ready to scream when presses it against his cheek inside his mouth, then he pulls out slowly, observes me almost greedily and suddenly takes it back in, deeply, the whole length of it. His lips are so warm and wet, he breathes fast, choking hoarsely and moving faster and harder holding with his lips and ...moaning. Me and him.

I'm biting my fist, God. No!

"Come for me, Itachi."

…

Is it a ceiling? Sasuke? He is sitting on the side of my bed, a book in his hand. He looks tired.

"Ss-ssa-ss-kk-k …Is-s it-tt you?" I am cold. Freezing.

He lowers his book, and smiles at me.

"Rest Itachi. You are home now."

He looks so worried.

"S-s-sasuk-ke. D-did you j-jus-st-t..?" (pleasure me...)

"Itachi, you are tired. Sleep."

Was it a dream, where am I? Where is my clock? Why can I speak?

"Sas-s-suk-k-ke, wh-what-t was-s it-t?"

His hand is over my cheek, stroking it. I am shaking. Freezing. He frowns and gets up, touches my forehead, worried, turns to go away.

"S-sa-sk-ke, d-don't g-ggo!" I'm trying to grasp his hand but mine are under the blanket at my sides.

"I'll get something to cover you with. I'll be right back, brother"

I'm closing my eyes. I am cold. So cold. My body is jumping on the bed, my legs, my arms, even my head. I can hardly see. Something is running from the side of my mouth, down my neck, onto my bare shoulder. Not again!

I feel how my limbs are slamming against the mattress. Something is suddenly restraining me, holding me tight against the bed. If it wasn't for that I would have probably fallen onto the floor, my body with no control now.

A hand is being inserted behind my neck, pushing me up from the pillows, holding my head still. Rather stiller than completely still.

"Here, Itachi. Itachi!" something is being pressed to my mouth, but I can't drink, my teeth meet the glass and I spill the oily liquid over me, the rest of it gets poured in my throat anyway. It tastes bitter and tart, and it burns my throat, even though it's cold. I feel a sudden sting in my shoulder and a sharp pain of fast pumping of the medicine into my biceps I open my mouth in silent scream and I freeze still, my mouth and eyes wide open. Even my breath is like a rubber ball that is suddenly stuck halfway between my gums and my throat. I fall back on my pillows to see my brother's worried face above me, an empty syringe in his hand.

My body is numbing rapidly. He closes my mouth and wipes off the foam from its side. His eyes are tired and red, he is rubbing them dry before looking at me again.

"I will take care of you, brother. Don't worry."

He is my illusion. My Sasuke.

A/N: Here we go, the first chapter. I am hoping for your support on the way with this story and of course for your comments and reviews. You know how much it means to me. From my side - I am a grateful writer and I take your advice to consideration and do my best to improve with your help. Always yours. Mainki.


	2. Reality

**Chapter 2. Reality.**

"Itachi, I'm leaving".

I opened my eyes to see you standing in the doors into my room.

Your left elbow pressing against the door frame, your forehead resting on your fist, your right arm stretched and holding the door open. You didn't move further, waiting for my response.

What an uncommon outfit you had on, Sasuke. Dark gray torn jeans, wrapped tightly around your skinny legs, a massive leather belt slung a bit lower than regular, a black satin shirt, purposely unbuttoned half way down, demonstrating your bare chest under it.

Your sleeves were rolled up below elbows and thick leather wristbands with blunt spikes sat on your both hands. A matching collar on your neck. Sasuke, since when were you wearing eyeliner when going out? And your eyebrows looked a bit too perfect today. Same as your hair. Messy on purpose, but perfect. I noticed a massive onyx silver ring on the middle finger of your right hand. A date?

"I am going to pick up your medicine. Will you manage a couple of hours alone?" you asked as if having read my thoughts and avoiding to look in my eyes. When you got my reassuring answer, you let the door close naturally and moments later you were gone. I could hear gravel crunching under your feet while you were stepping away from home, car keys rattling in your hand.

I closed my eyes again.

Yesterday, when you were getting the kit with my medications from the bedside table, I noticed a small detail that confirmed my rising suspicions about you.

"Sasuke, is your ear pierced?"

You smirked and didn't answer. You were twenty one, grown up enough to make such decisions yourself.

Somehow I wasn't even completely surprised that it was your right ear. A small but well visible dark blue stone was sparkling in it.

Sasuke. What had happened to you in those eight months. What had I missed? You seemed to be perfectly fine, but something was terribly wrong. As if you had lost a half of yourself, traded it for something cheap, vulgar, low.

It was hardly noticeable, only in small details, but it was there. In the way you moved, in mimics of your face, untypical of you hand gestures, the way you rolled your eyes, a new unique habit of fiddling with your spiky hair strands when talking on the phone ...Sasuke, did you know you were sticking out your lower back when leaning against objects? It was subtle, this change in you, but I was your brother and I recognized it directly.

All this drew a perfect image in my mind, why you were not interested in girls. Or more exactly, that you were not interested in girls only.

Before the incident, ten months ago you were a completely different person, Sasuke. Confident, cynical, selfish, even narcissistic. You put your interests and pleasures in the first place and you wouldn't care for anyone else, gathering always a loud and bright group of admirers around you.

I heard many times that the girls you dated abandoned you, but mainly you would force them to leave. And you wouldn't care, not a single time. You would appear with another one within days, sometimes hours, acting arrogantly, rudely but in a peculiar way that made all women fall for you.

Sasuke, women adored you. And you knew it far too well not to seize the opportunity and use it in your favor.

Living in the apartment just two of us, in spite of having four rooms, there was hardly any place for you to hide your guests. And you didn't bother hiding them.

"Itachi. I'll be busy now. Don't disturb." and you would lead a smiling new girl into your room, where the loud music would blend with all other noises that you two were producing.

There was nothing strange, abnormal or weird in that. Your age, lifestyle, your interests, hobbies, friends, even your looks. Sasuke, you had paid much less attention to how you looked before than you did now. You always thought you were perfect, they thought you were perfect and you used it in your perfect way.

Your girls. They were all friendly, always cute, some of them a little bit too-young looking, but you knew the limits and we never spoke about it. With you. Or with them. There was one time only when I had to interfere, Sasuke. Do you remember?

That girl with Little Kitty bag, the one who still wore school uniform. You came home with her after school hours, dragging her by her hand quickly past me, through the living room ,where I occasionally sat over my books and notes, calculating the rise and fall of the Tokyo Stock Market.

Sasuke, you were never interested in stocks. Finances didn't bother you. Sometimes I wondered if you had any plans for future at all. You seemed to have wind in your head, thinking only of nightlife, your always changing in amount and character friends and numerous various women you tended to invite home. Alcohol. Parties. Sex. Drugs. Relationships, always ending winthin a week. Except for that one.

Ten months ago, Sasuke. I was sitting on the cushion in the living room, when you entered with a new girl. You left your footwear at the doors and crossed the corridor towards me.

"Itachi, this is Noa", I lifted my head from my papers to measure the shy girl, shifting from one foot to the other. She looked not older than 16 and was pretty enough to suit your tastes.

I smiled, nodded and returned to my papers. You didn't move and held her by her shoulders, as if waiting for my approval for something.

"I'm going to marry her Itachi." you said firmly and I put everything aside and placed my hands on my knees, exhaled slowly, and then I looked at you both.

You were standing straight almost proud, your arms resting over the shoulders of the girl in front of you, your hands were in a lock on her chest and she was covering them with her small pale fingers.

Noa was trying to look away, an excited and embarrassed smile playing on her lips, cheeks blushing .

"I see" I said and returned back to my reading. There was not a chance in the world that you would want to get married and we both knew it.

I didn't approve of your methods which you used especially for that purpose, but getting involved in your private life was nothing I would afford myself to do. Despite the fact that this was the first time ever you mentioned marriage I knew it was everything but serious.

"Noa, this is my older brother, Itachi. He will come with me to ask for your parent's permission." you said both to me and to the girl.

Noa bowed low to me and I bowed to her lightly in return, looking more at you than at her.

What were you thinking? The side of your mouth formed a smirk. That was exactly what I thought. Your game. I waited for the girl to lift her head and look at me and pure naive happiness was written on her face. You comforted her and you both proceeded into your room, hand in hand.

If I only knew then, Sasuke. I would have stopped it directly.

It didn't last a month, your romance. I could hear you chatting and whispering in your room but she would never stay long and I was not concerned.

You would come home together, you carrying the Little Kitty schoolbag with books for her, playing a gentleman, attending everything to tiniest detail of etiquette.

Sasuke, you were a skilled Casanova. Sometimes I wondered how you had gained that experience. The manner of your speaking, how you threw your head backwards and laughed at her every joke, the way you prepared for her jasmine tea in the kitchen. Sasuke, you hated the smell of jasmine and in spite of that you were sharing from the same cup, you and her both happy.

You would arrange a fruit platter and take it to her or when sitting in the living room with me you would hand feed her with dangos, gently wiping caramel sauce with your finger from the side of her mouth, making her blush. Sasuke.

After two weeks you were resting your head on her knees watching a movie and she was stroking your spiky hair, deep affection in her eyes. Sasuke, did you even care?

Your physical relationship seemed to be keeping within limits at that time, not allowing anything besides platonic kisses. I didn't interfere, Sasuke, totally trusting your judgment and precautions.

But soon certain change in details was impossible to ignore, how she was embarrassed at first when you tried to kiss her on her cheek in my presence, later you were allowing yourself to stroke her knee while laying watching the television, pretending to be captured in a film. Closer to the end of the same month you stopped walking her home and you would simply follow her to our doors, sometimes even smack her lower parts and wave her "jenee". In the end she would come to you herself, knocking and asking after you and you would not care to come out, to meet her, giving some unreasonable excuses, but more often not even that.

"Itachi, tell her I'm working" you would shout to me through the closed doors from your room, knowing exactly she was standing in the corridor, hearing your every word.

She would stand quietly waiting for a minute or so, hoping you might change your mind, then she would turn around and leave. You would wait a day or two and then come with her home again, as if nothing happened. And she would be happy and smiling and more attached to you than before.

"Sasuke, you should stop this", I said to you the same night when before closing the door behind her you kissed her passionately and she answered in the same manner. You were not hiding it anymore. Neither of you.

"Hn, this has nothing to do with you, Itachi." you chuckled.

Indeed, it didn't.

"This can be a problem, Sasuke, if she is underage".

You didn't answer, just smirked, finished your tomato juice, threw the empty glass loudly into the sink and headed to your room.

The trouble came a week later.

I was concentrating on a yearly report about the three of the largest and the most recent investments that our company had made, and the initial prognosis looked promising, though something gave me reason for worrying. I was looking through the papers thoroughly when there was a knock at my door.

I put the bunch documents on the table and got off the sofa, headed to answer. Noa was standing there, her eyes red, she was wiggling at her uniform tie on her neck with trembling fingers and staring at the floor.

"Itachi-san, ano..." this would be the first time your private life effected me directly.

"What is it?"

before she managed to answer I heard your fast approaching steps. You grabbed the girl by her elbow and dragged her towards the front door, her Kitty bag with school books in your other hand.

"Don't mind it. Noa is leaving. " you hissed on the way, either to me or to her.

this was an insensitive and rude way of getting rid of the guest, especially if it was a female guest. Obviously your interest to her had been satisfied and the game was over.

"Sasuke, I think you should change your manners", I made a step out of the room, unwillingly interfering into your quarrel.

You were opening the door and the girl was crying now, hanging on your elbow.

"Just stop it!" you yelled, yanking your arm away.

"Sasuke..." I addressed you.

As soon as you turned your head to me the girl wailed

"Please, Sasuke. We can make it work. I'm begging you "

"Uzai." you stated firmly, with notes of clear irritation in your voice. But your face looked almost as if you were enjoying it.

You pushed the door handle at you and cast the weeping creature outside along with her Little Kitty bag without a single word more.

Then you locked the door and leaned your back against it for a moment, your eyes closed, one leg bent in the knee, you foot against the door. A relaxed smiling face.

"Itachi, I don't blame you for having no interest in women." you pronounced sarcastically, then opened your eyes and looked at me. Mocking.

I answered to you calmly

"Sasuke, there are rules that apply in this house, have you forgotten? You are going over the limits of what I can accept."

"Go and fuck yourself, Itachi. " and you headed towards the kitchen.

But this was just the beginning. I should have made it clear for you, Sasuke, that it was not the right way to go. I should have.

Eight months had passed. Almost nine. What has become of you, Sasuke? You had pierced your ear, you dressed yourself in a peculiar kind of clothing, your way of talking had changed, you made up your eyes and used perfume that associated for me with strip clubs, limousines and exclusive hotels for one night. What had happened to you?

I closed my eyes and silently and very slowly let our the air through my nostrils, chasing the memories away. I pulled the blanket to the side and placed my bare feet onto the floor, one after another.

Tatami. Uncommon asphalt gray tatami. It gave such a pleasant warmth under my feet totally different feeling than from the smooth chilly soft plastic in my white hospital room that I had spent eight months in. Eight months. It was hard to believe how much had changed in these months. It would never be the same. You or me.

I stood up , leaning one hand against the mattress. I shuffled my legs to the frosted window wall behind my bed and steadied my left hand against the glass. Sweaty half circles formed around my fingertips and the palm of my hand. I pressed my cheek to my overarm and held the breath in. Tired. Constantly tired. My eyelids dropped heavy and I frowned concentrating on keeping upright.

Sasuke. What were you doing now? My arm was starting to tremble, I must have drifted off my thoughts while leaning against the window. When I lifted my forehead I slowly turned around and went back towards my bed.

Two o'clock. You had left an hour ago. There was still several hours until my injection. Several hours until I would stop understanding, thinking, reacting normally. My body would act differently depending on numerous unpredictable factors. There would be sharp and blunt pains, numbness, shivers, the feeling close to agonizing fear and panic, to see the surrounding so real and at the same time knowing it was fake, this reality. I would wake up the next day, hardly remembering the day before that, or the same day, before the medication.

Sasuke, the first days after you had taken me back home, you hardly left the side of my bed and were constantly on the phone with my doctor, worried for no reason. You hardly slept getting alarmed by a sudden movement of my hand, or uncontrollable tremble of my fingers in a sleep. You would wake me up, panicking, shaking me by my shoulders or wiping the sweat from my face with a damp cold towel.

"Itachi! Itachi, are you alright? Itachi" I would open my eyes, staring at you in shock, astonished by seeing your face in front of me, so real, so close to me. Sometimes, still under the effect of the drug I would push you away, hardly realizing that you were not just an image of my shaken mind that would disappear as soon as I believe it to be real.

I would shut my eyes and close my ears not to hear you. I would lay still holding my breath in and gritting my teeth, chasing your face away from me, trying to make your voice blend with the sounds I imagined. Any sounds, just not your voice, running water, roar of thunder, screams of your so called friends...or the sound of the rubber band opened loose after the needle had penetrated my vein.

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This dream. Sasuke.

You were laying next to me on the bed, your hand so pleasantly warm sliding up and down my hip. Your head was leisurely resting on my chest.

I felt a bizarre tickling waking up to life something I expected to be captured in my usual track pants that I had had on. But this was a dream and I was naked in it, so were you.

"Sasuke" I whispered and you lifted your head up on me, touched my lips in a closed mouth kiss. Then you put your head back on my chest and let your hand wander lower, making me hold my breath in and close my eyes.

My arm was stroking your shoulder, feeling your muscles tense with every move of your arm.

"Sasuke, kisu shite." My lips moved towards you and you covered them instantly with yours.

I knew it was just a dream. A weird bizarre dream.

I never thought I wished for my own younger brother, I never suspected. It was shocking, frightening and overwhelming. But I knew it was just a dream and I could do anything in it.

You parted from me and I let you do it again, not holding myself back, not resisting anymore. My body was under your control completely.

Just before you took it in your mouth you looked me in the eyes and asked

"You want it Itachi, don't you?...you want me"

There was no mocking, no irony in your question. Your face was serious and ...something else that I read like lust. Yes, Sasuke in my dream you were lusting after me. This was more than enough for me to feel close to ecstasy. I smiled and stroked your cheek gently, enjoying the velvety texture of your skin under my fingers. I answered the only word I knew right now

"Yes".

You opened your lips a little bit and roughly cast the duvet that was covering us both onto the floor, exposing everything. Sasuke, yes, I wanted you. And you wanted me.

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"Itachi. Itachi, work your hand for me please".

I opened my eyes, my left arm was numbing and the rubber band was stinging the wrinkled skin just above my elbow. I moved my fingers gathering them in a fist, repeatedly opening and closing it, feeling dizzy and too light in my body to do it properly.

You were preparing my injection.

"What's the time, Sasuke?"

You avoided my gaze, still concentrating on sucking out the yellow medicine from the ampule in your left hand, when the last drop was in you flicked your index finger against the syringe to make the air bubble float upwards and you pressed a drop or two out to make sure no air would enter my vein together with the medicine.

"It's almost nine, Itachi. Time for your meds"

You took my stretched arm and steadied it on top of my stomach, stroked the well swollen blue vein and stuck the needle in.

This feeling. This feeling when every centiliter of the poison gets pumped in, reminded somehow of a metal scraping against the walls of my too narrow vein that all of a sudden felt large and fat and it was consuming and absorbing this yellow liquid greedily, as if sucking the substance out of the syringe, using the needle as a proboscis.

This metallic greedy poison instantly blended with my blood. I could feel it pushing its way through my vein, spreading rapidly wider. First it was shooting spiky lumps of hot pain into my elbow and shoulder and fingers. These lumps quickly exploded, burst and infected all my organs and limbs one by one until my whole body was paralyzed and I wouldn't be capable of moving or blinking, or breathing.

But. I could still see and hear. Just after you had removed the needle you released the band from my arm and threw it in the open draw of the bedside table, along with everything else you just used. You tucked both of my arms under the blanket, carefully, making sure I am completely covered , just my head on the pillow, the duvet coming up to my chin. Then you closed my mouth and wiped it if needed, then you sat next to me on the bed watching my every move, listening to my breathing, to my heart beat, checking my forehead and leaning to my nostrils when you couldn't see my chest move up and down.

Sometimes my body would start shaking, rejecting the substance that kept me under your control, you would cover me with several heavy restraining covers and in spite of that it would take all your strength to keep my body on the bed.

As soon I could move my lips you would pour a glass of oily liquid in my throat and the shaking would stop and I would lay motionless for hours, with you by my side, afraid to take your eyes off me. Sometimes the shaking would not come and tired of watching me you would drift off in your dreams and i would drift off in mine.

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N/A: Wow, I was totally captured in writing this, honestly. To go through these memories and thoughts with Itachi...Sasuke...what can we say?...yeah..I better wait and see what you have to say, guyz. Good? Bad? Curious? Disappointed? Excited?...I'm all ears...(and eyes).

love you all. don't forget- I'm writing for you.

Mainki


	3. Urabon

**Chapter 3. The beginning. Urabon.**

You were leisurely half laying on the sand-colored two-seat sofa to the right from my bed, your head resting in the palm of your hand, and you were slowly turning the pages of a thick volume in front of you. You were reading.

"Hmm. That is amusing, you know, Itachi..." you started thoughtfully when your eyes ran down another page.

"Itachi, they are saying that people in your condition should be introduced to nature from time to time. It is said to produce calming effect on sick mind." you chuckled, continuing to skim through the text.

"Itachi, shall we 'introduce you to nature'?...haha!...'_an especially successful treatment in complicated cases of schizophrenia proved to be periodical activity sessions performed in unfamiliar landscape or nature surroundings. Waterfalls, mountains, forest walks, even fishing! All these must occur under supervision of experienced personnel who should be at ready to take actions whenever required_" you slammed the book shut.

Sasuke, you turned instantly furious.

"Idiots! What if you just run off or start climbing the fucking mountain upwards and fell hundreds of meters? Huh? Or even better, you'll take a fucking rock and make someone swallow it through an open wound in their forehead ?! Imbeciles!"

I simply lay there and watched your outburst.

The reading always gave you controversial reactions, Sasuke. Sometimes you would find interesting ideas and you would tell me about them in detail. Other times you would become outraged at what you had read and you would cuss and throw and smash things around. Sasuke. You always got frustrated in the end when it was about me.

Was it because of that you avoided staying in my room most of the time? Did my helpless condition make you feel that way?

I wished you didn't have to go through the trouble of taking care of me, brother.

You looked at me, already calmer, then you swung your legs down on to the floor and got up, moved in the direction of my bed, a puzzled expression on your face.

You walked up to me, sat on the side of my bed staring in the wall.

"Itachi, I don't know what the heck to do." you sighed and rubbed your eyes tiredly. Sasuke.

You hadn't had enough sleep for days. Was there something going on in your life that I should have been concerned about? Or was it all my sickness?

"What was the fucking point of me taking you out of there if I do exactly the same shit to you as they did to you there in the mental house? Huh?" you questioned me, glaring.

I see. This was not easy that you got to feel that way, brother.

"Itachi, you can't even answer when I'm talking to you. Do you at all understand what I'm talking about, Itachi?"

Yes, Sasuke. I did understand, but I couldn't reply to you. The medication wouldn't let me move, Sasuke. That was the whole point of it.

"Oh, I don't know, Itachi. Maybe we should just stop with it and all. It's not like you gonna run around killing people, right Itachi? Right?"

You got off the bed and opened my bedside table draw, took out the kit, twisted the ampule with the yellow liquid in your hand, then looked at me.

"What do you think, Itachi? Shall we stop with it? You would agree to that, wouldn't you?" you had the skinny see-through ampule held between your thumb and your index finger, you brought it close to my face, and watched my eyes move after it. It looked like you were entertained by my reaction, Sasuke.

"Yes, Itachi, ..you would love that, if I just smashed it between my fingers..pop!..and this yellow shit would run out and you could speak and walk and do whatever the fuck you please, right, Itachi?ne?"

I took my eyes off the container and stared at you. Sasuke, for your own sake I wished you were joking. There was a reason why this had to be done and I had accepted it as necessity. Sasuke, you knew that reason far too well yourself and to ignore it would be irresponsible and dangerous.

"Yes, Itachi,..." you touched my cheek with the ampule. It felt cold. I closed my eyes.

"You look so peaceful, Itachi. So happy."You were sliding it slowly down my cheek, over my mouth...

"Itachi..you look so..."down my chin, under it,

"Itachi..you look so..." touching my neck, swirled it there, I felt my heart speeding up and starting to sound louder in my ears.

"You look so _stupid_, Itachi!" a roar of laughter.

You cast the ampule into the open draw and sat back down on the bed, looking at me, smiling, or should I say, grinning, Sasuke?

"Did you fucking hope I would do that, huh, Itachi? That I would take you off your meds?"

No, Sasuke, I really hoped you wouldn't.

"After you had killed two of my best friends, you fucking psycho? You hoped for that, didn't you?"

No, Sasuke, I didn't hope for that at all.

"Just know, you piece of shit, that you're gonna pay for everything. I will make you pay and you have no fucking idea, Itachi, how dearly this will cost you. This is just the beginning."

You took out the ready syringe with medicine from the same draw, popped out the plastic lid that was covering the needle and I heard it hit the tatami floor.

You leaned over me. Without any warning you stuck the needle into my right forearm. Half of it went under my skin. I felt it meet my bone and scrape against it.

"This is just the beginning, you piece of fucking shit." you repeated hatefully through your squeezed teeth as you were pressing the medicine out. I passed out before you finished. Thank you, Sasuke. I feel better now.

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"Urabon, Itachi".

"What?"

"Urabon. We're gonna shoot it here. Now."

Sasuke, was that some kind of a joke? It was not a good one.

"Why would you do that, Sasuke?"

You looked at me firmly from the sofa.

"Because I said so." You answered.

We were not alone Sasuke. There were more people in my room. I couldn't see exactly how many as it was all dark around. Only a few oil lanterns lit up the room.

Sasuke, the smell of oil had always given me terrible headaches. You also knew that I couldn't see well without daylight and it worried me. You covered the windows, Sasuke? To make it dark?

Yes, to shoot urabon.

You smiled wide. You obviously enjoyed my confused face.

Urabon. The uncensored illegal pornographic industry in Japan, producing and publishing adult explicit video and live sex content. The only one genre of virtual prostitution that had been unsuccessfully haunted by the authorities and had recently exceeded in all the expectation on supply and demands of the contributors and consumers as well as the public feedback.

The needs and tastes of the strict and proper Japanese adult population have grown wild. Censored soft-core pornography available at any general store in Japan could not compete with urabon, by quality, variety and availability.

Rape, violence, minors, fetish, animals, as well as traditional sex-film scenarios, solos or couples involved - urabon included it all. All of highest standard, well plotted and perfectly screened.

This industry, Sasuke, was controlled and ran by underground studios, protected and covered by Yakuzas, Japan's most feared mafia. I couldn't start to imagine how and why you associated with these people, Sasuke. And why would you get involved in something as low and dangerous as urabon?

We couldn't have had financial problems, Sasuke. Was there something else that pushed you into this track?

Sasuke, who were you? An owner? A customer? A worker? Why would you bring these people into our house? Into my room?

I observed you waiting for your answer. You smirked. Here it was, this weird new habit of yours to fiddle your hair when talking. Were you nervous? Sasuke, I had stopped understanding you.

"Why are you asking, Itachi? Hmm...who would I be not to give my poor sick aniki the pleasure of life enjoyment once in a while? Right, Itachi?" you giggled

"These eight months that you spent in the hospital, Itachi, with your arms restrained. It's not much you could reach there, could you? Not much to look at either, right brother? Did you get to relieve your pressure at all? Or were you constantly being watched?".

I see. Very funny, Sasuke. Very mature. I wished I could smile with you at that, even though this would not be the right topic to discuss when there were other people around.

Sasuke. Was that your plan from the start to get me introduced to this occupation of yours in this peculiar manner?

Sasuke, you were surprising me with your actions. And just the inability to move properly prevented me from reacting to this accordingly. I would really prefer you to realize it before it got too far.

Your eyes were glittering with excitement. Your group of people were setting up the equipment. Two professional cameras were placed on the rails facing my bed. The operators, two fairly aged men in suits and ties (the official Japanese work wear clothing style), were connecting the cables to the electric plugs and building up the screens with decoration articles around my bed to create a certain thematic background.

I saw another person, Sasuke, in your crew. A girl, dressed in school uniform. When she felt my gaze on her, she half bowed to me.

Joshikusei, Sasuke, a high-school girl. This theme was one of the most common, and also highly forbidden in porn. I didn't doubt your actress was of legal age, but she was representing a minor, Sasuke. Why would you choose to do that? Why exactly that? And why here? You knew, Sasuke, how unpleasant this topic was to me. It should also be unpleasant to you, Sasuke.

The girl looked very much alike Noa. This was not her, but she looked similar to her. She even had a Little Kitty bag. Sasuke, why?

"Itachi. This is Nanako Matsushima. Our actress. Be kind to her."

I nodded to a lady, probably in her early twenties, though she was styled to look hardly 15. She smiled and asked for permission to sit next to me on my bed.

"Be careful, Nanako," you warned, laughing."My brother is not only big down there, he is also in mental condition. One never knows with him."

The girl laughed at your joke clapping her hands but preferred to remain standing. I didn't mind.

What was your game, Sasuke?

You got up off your sofa and started giving orders about the light and the scenario. Besides you, two operators and the girl-actress Nanako there was no one else in the room. Were you the partner, Sasuke?

From what you were discussing with the producers this was a Baacharu Deito, the scenario where they don't need to show the male partner's face, just his action, his bodily parts. The story is screened from the point of view of a boyfriend who is being taken on a date by a underage schoolgirl. Was it that you were doing, Sasuke? This was tasteless, brother. But there was one more question I had unanswered.

"Where is your partner, Nanako-hime?" I asked the girl standing next to my bed. She smiled and came a little bit closer to hear me better, she was bowing out of tradition when she answered.

"I am not very certain, Itachi- san." she said. "I believe you are my partner for this episode".

I looked at her seriously. So that was your plan, Sasuke. I see.

"I'm afraid I will have to decline" I pronounced firmly and so that you would hear it. "Please don't take it as an insult."

"What was that, Itachi?" you cut in switching your attention to me. The girl Nanako made some steps backwards letting you get closer to my bed.

You stood there now, your arms crossed on your chest.

"What did you say, Itachi? I couldn't hear you".

I sighed.

"Sasuke. I'm afraid I will have decline this offer. I would prefer you to leave my room. I do not feel well."

A smile split your face.

"Really? You are not feeling well, Itachi?Why is that, I wonder?"

The smell of the lantern oil, Sasuke. You knew it. A lot of unknown people in my room. Darkness. And sex. Sasuke, you knew all of it. Why would you put all these people, including yourself at risk, by creating the situation that was irritating me? Why would you take this risk keeping me awake and conscious and provoking my condition on purpose?

"I guess it is the medication, Sasuke" I said. "Please, Sasuke. Leave."

The pulsing in my temples reminded me of a drum beat.

"Itachi." you sat on my bed, took my hand in yours and stroked it, looking in my eyes.

"Itachi...do it, please. For me." you said.

I closed my eyes. What were you talking about, Sasuke? The drums were slamming louder and louder. What were you taking about?

"Could you please open the window, Sasuke?" I started feeling very ill. You leaned on my chest, drilling your sharp elbow into my ribs and stroking my neck at the same time. You had let go off my hand already.

"No." you said quietly and smiled.

I looked at you.

"Sasuke, my head hurts. Open the window please." I repeated, looking at you. The pain in my head was intensifying. It took the shape of orange circles appearing and disappearing every time I moved my eyes.

Your fingers tickled my neck. Sasuke. There was not enough air. Your weight against my chest Sasuke. I gasped trying to catch air in my mouth. You continued pressing my chest with your elbow and heavy weight. Continued tickling my neck with your fingers.

"Hard to breathe, Itachi?" you wondered in a mocking manner.

"Yes, Sasuke. Window. Please".

"No."

I coughed.

"It's all set up, Uchiha-sama", one of the guys addressed you. You turned to them, then stood up and walked away.

I heard you say "Let's begin."

Studio lamps installed around my bed got lit up. They were directed in my face. Even through my closed eyelids their brightness blinded me completely. It took some time before I could regain my breath and open my eyes to start recognizing the objects around.

Industrial lamps, from many directions, situated a certain way so that only a patch next to my bed would be perfectly visible the rest was just white.

Sasuke. You turned your head to me.

"You are not involved in the movie, Itachi." you said, taking off your shirt. "I am".

I must have drifted off with your words echoing in my head.

"_I am...I am...I am..." _

Before I opened my eyes again I could hear the sounds.

Sasuke, these strange sounds around my bed...what were they? Screams? Moans? All those cables running over my blanket? An empty syringe on the bed cover. Sasuke. Where did all of this come from all of a sudden?

"Now, turn your head a little bit to the left, as if facing that picture, Nanako. ..yes, that would be fine, thank you .." I heard the producer's voice. I tried to turn my head to see you, Sasuke. But I couldn't . My limbs were numb and my body wouldn't move.

But I could hear. Yes, Sasuke, I could hear you...panting and moaning, moving on the other side of my bed, Sasuke.

"Uchiha-sama, the angle. One hand off, please. No, take the other hand away please..yes, that would be fine.."

Sasuke.

I heard your voice between all the other noises.

"I can't ...hold much... longer" you said obviously to the directors and they gave you permission to...

climax.

I wished I could shut my eyes, Sasuke. I wished I could close my ears. I wished I could stop the breathing and vanish in my dream instead of witnessing that.

There were so many beautiful things I could feel in my dream, Sasuke. The way you loved me, how you cared, what you were to me. Not this, Sasuke. Not like that.

"Fuck. Itachi. Did you see that? Fuck, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did." I heard you talking to me then I sensed the bed shift as you sat next to me, wiping the sweat off your face by the towel slung over your shoulders.

I could picture you smiling, I heard a sound of you pulling the draw out and preparing my injection. I knew this sound Sasuke. Thank you.

You leaned against my face and whispered in my ear.

"This is just the beginning, Itachi. Next time you won't escape it that easily. You can thank Nanako for my good mood, Itachi."

and I felt you angrily sticking the needle between my ribs. Sasuke.

This time the medicine was running out slowly and you were watching my vision get fuzzy and my mouth freeze open.

Sasuke, you were not even holding the syringe in place with your hand. There was no need, the needle was in all the way and all you had to do is to press out a drop or two, that would be keeping me conscious and numb.

I heard the actress come up to you and give you a kiss.

"Sasuke-san, he is not hurting like this? It looks like he is in pain" she said.

you laughed continuing to press the medicine a cubic more, then stopped again.

"Here, you can try." you put her hand on the syringe and she pressed it a little. This was enough to drown me back into my sleep.

Before I passed out I heard you say,

"No, he is not hurting. He is a monster, it will just do him good. Besides, he is a vegetable already."

and you both laughed.

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N/A: I am appologizing for the delay in update. It's due to my personal life drama. It's all back on track now. Hope for your comments and reviews. As always. I tried my best.

mainki


	4. Paranoia

**Chapter 4. Paranoia.**

It always took me 54 steps to get from my bed to the door. 54 slow wobbly steps. Every one dragged my foot over the tatami, first the right one, then a pause, balancing, then the left one.

My toes often bent under and I would occasionally trip over losing my balance and falling down. I would steady myself with my fingers against the floor and slowly get up, first onto one knee, then straightening it and pushing my body upwards. Like that.

I burnt my feet on the tatami when walking but anyway I got off the bed when I could move. At least for a short while.

"Where the fuck are you off to, Itachi?" the door opened just before I reached the opposite wall. 17 more steps and I would have been at the doors.

"Sasuke. You are awake."

You frowned, crossed the room towards me and put your arm around my back for support.

"Hmm...bathroom?" you asked,

"Yes" I looked at you with gratitude. Thank you, brother.

We made the steps together. This time it went much faster and easier.

"Come on then." you said. We walked of the room, along the wall and approached the bathroom.

"Will you manage now?" You opened the door and switched on the light letting me in.

"Thank you, Sasuke" I said and closed the door behind me.

I knew you would be standing leaning against the wall and waiting for me. You would ask several times if I was alright and when I would come out you would help me to walk back to my room and lay down.

Sasuke, your behaviour was full of contradictions. One minute you were a caring brother while the next one you hated me more than anything in the world.

I thought it was just another illusion, what had happened the other night (or was it a day?), when they were shooting urabon.

I thought it was my imagination and my sick mind to blame for that. Like those dreams, Sasuke, that I had been having ever since you brought me home.

When I opened my eyes the day after the urabon I couldn't smell the scent of the oil in the air, it had vanished completely, as if it had never even been there.

All the people and the filming equipment had been gone. Nothing betrayed that it had really taken place, except for the two small details.

I lifted myself up from the toilet seat, using the wall to the left from me as a helping aid. Then I closed the lid and flushed.

"Are you ready, Itachi? What's taking you so long?" I heard your voice from behind the doors followed by the knock when I didn't reply.

I made five steps towards the sink, and rested my hands on it, took a deep breath, keeping my gaze fixed on my hands. It could lose my balance at any moment and I didn't want that to occur now. When the moment passed I looked in front of me in the mirror.

Skinny, pale, cheekbones visible, black glowing eyes, my tangled hair with silver threads in it falling on my face.

Sasuke, you were right, I did look like a madman. I couldn't blame you for hating me.

I observed myself a second more. No, it was not that I had come here for. Not at all.

I smiled to myself and gathered my thoughts, made an effort to concentrate. Then I pulled up my t-shirt and looked at the reflection.

Yes, there it was, a violet bruised mark around the wound you made with the syringe. I could feel it, and now I saw it. This was not a dream.

"Itachi are you alright?" you asked again worriedly.

I touched the punctured skin. It was swollen with purple web of burst capillaries around. The medicine lumped up in a knot in there. Unpleasant, Sasuke. Very unpleasant.

I dropped the t-shirt down and rolled up my right sleeve. Yes, there was the second one, the blood mark. I touched it, my arm twitched by itself and I hit the mirror with my hand. It made a sound.

"Fuck, Itachi, open the door!" you tried the handle.

I smiled. Were you worried, brother? You shouldn't be. There was no reason for you to be worried about me.

I turned on the tap and cupped up some cold water in my hands, splashed my face with it.

The door opened. Yes, Sasuke. You had the key. To every room of every lockable door in this house. Our home. No, your home.

You glared at me. I could see your reflection in the mirror

"Why were you not answering? Huh, Itachi? "

I switched off the tap and wiped off my face with a towel hanging in the hook on the wall. It was light gray color. I turned my head and replied.

"I didn't hear you, Sasuke."

You put my arm over you shoulders.

"Come on. Let's get you back to bed. Are you hungry?" you asked as we moved back.

"I would gladly eat something. "

you smirked and didn't add anything more until we got into the room.

"I'll see what we have. Don't run off" you said when I was back in my bed.

No, I had nowhere to run off to, no wish and no strength, no intention whatsoever. You were the most important person in my life, Sasuke.

In spite of everything.

You left me in my room and went to the kitchen.

I looked at the clock on the eyes were fuzzy and couldn't see properly. What could it be now, 2? 3 P.M.? Later?

Still more than enough time until my injection. Sasuke, what would it be this time, which part of my body would you choose to stab?

Did you really hate me that much, brother?

I knew I had deserved it all. And even more. And I had accepted it as inevitable. As fair. As the only one possible. Both as a punishment and as treatment.

Was there any way possible to cure me now? Or would it just be injections one after the other until my body won't be able to take it anymore?

I started noticing it, Sasuke. My limbs. They were slowly losing their senses. These times when I was awake and capable of moving, I could hardly walk without your assistance.

My legs. They were getting paralyzed. I could feel it. But you knew this already, right, Sasuke? Maybe that was the reason why you had brought me home. Maybe you knew something I didn't.

Was it pity, Sasuke? Or was it revenge for the death of the two whom you called friends.

Sasuke. Your friends. I remember the look in their eyes, just an instant before they noticed me. Just an instant before they died.

Do you remember Sasuke? I hope not. I hope you managed to persuade your mind to forget what had happened that day.

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When you came back I was already half asleep. You woke me up, placing a tray with a plate of inarizushi across my stomach.

"Here, Itachi. Eat."

you left directly, not turning back or saying a single word more.

I ate, Sasuke. Thank you.

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"Sasuke, can I please talk to you for a minute?" I asked you ,when you headed towards the door after you had picked up the empty dish with the tray from me. I had to know.

You stopped annoyed and turned to me.

"I hope it is something important, Itachi? Can't it wait? I'm in a hurry."

I sighed.

"Yes. It is important. But it can wait of course. This is about my injections" I said.

"It's not time yet."

"I know, Sasuke. It's something else."

"Oh."

You stood for a moment considering, then turned back and sat in the sofa opposite me, having placed the dishes on the table in front , then you put one leg across the other and glared, your hands crossed on your chest.

"You better be quick " you said.

Now how can one exactly formulate that? Hmm..

"Sasuke, are you trying to kill me slowly?"

You stared at me then burst into laughter.

"Haha! Me, kill you? Why would you say that, Itachi? I'm your brother, I took you out from that hospital to take care of you. Kill you, what a sane idea?!.."

No, you were not attempting to kill me, maybe just to torture then?

"I see. I must have been mistaken. Forgive me, Sasuke. I know I am a burden for you"

you stood up.

"And a damn burden too you are, Itachi. But that's what brothers do." you replied.

I pulled the duvet that was covering my upper body off me.

"Sasuke. There is something between my ribs from the right side. I can't really see what it is and it's bothering me. Would you mind having a look please. I might have hurt myself in my sleep."

I told you and watched your face turn pale as you hesitantly walked up to my bed and stood above me, looking at the mark.

Slowly a genuine smile split your face and you lowered to me, looked me in my eyes as you hissed. Yes, Sasuke, you hissed at me, with a venom and hatred in your voice.

"There is nothing there, Itachi. You are paranoid".

I felt instantly your knuckles dig into exactly that very spot between my ribs and you wobbled your fist over the medicine knot, enjoying the expression on my face.

"Here? A, Itachi? Are you sure? Because I can't see anything wrong with this. Must be your sick mind playing tricks on you again, brother."

you pressed harder around the lump, rolling it under my skin. I felt beads of sweat gather on top of my upper lip and on my forehead.

Abruptly you put your fingers around my throat and squeezed it, staring in my eyes. Sasuke, such a hatred was in them. Such pure hatred towards me.

"You listen now and listen good, Itachi. I have been a good brother to you, caring and everything after what you have done to me. Stick your fucking nose into my life once more and your life will end. Just because you are my brother I let you live. But it's not gonna be rainbows and unicorns. You have taken all I had from me and you are going to pay for it, whether you want it or not."

You had let go of my throat, making sure I wouldn't pass out before you had said it all.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke" I said to you, when my coughing stopped.

You smirked.

"I bet you are. A little late for that, isn't it, Itachi?"

You turned to leave and walked up to the doors when I called again

"Sasuke. Aren't you afraid?" I asked.

You froze still.I saw you were clutching your fists, but you didn't turn back and left slamming the door behind you.

Yes, Sasuke. You were afraid. I could feel that. That's why you needed the medicine, to make sure you wouldn't have to answer for your actions.

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"Do you want me, Itachi? Do you? Do you want me?"

"No, Sasuke. You are in the opposite team, it will be unfair if I had to pick my own brother to the team where I am the captain"

a pout.

"Why?"

I ruffled your spiky black hair. For a 9 year-old you were still so cute and naive, brother!

"Because then they will definately loose! Only an Uchiha can beat an Uchiha, Sasuke!"

you laughed and ran onto the opposite side of the field, a football in your hands.

"We're gonna win this time for sure, Itachi!"you screamed from far away.

"I know, Sasuke!" I laughed back.

Your team didn't win, but nothing of it mattered. It was our childhood, Sasuke. Our happy childhood.

"Itachi- nii, shall we play football tomorrow too?"

we were on the way home after the match, the whole group of kids, picked up by their parents or older siblings. All happily smiling, laughing. All friends.

"Sasuke, let's kick your brother's butt tomorrow?" two older boys from your team, the Nishikawa brothers, bumped fists with you.

"Yea, sure! Itachi 's gonna get beaten! And his team will have to garden the whole school yard this time!"

"Dream on!" a low voice of on the older siblings of the Okumura."They never lose. They have Itachi!"

your other teammate Saburo cut in.

"Unfair! Itachi shouldn't be playing at all! He is older ."

I smiled

"You have two brothers in your team who are even older than me, Saburo."

he reddened in his face and pouted, looking at his siblings who were glaring daggers.

"Yeah, but they are useless. And Itachi is good."

He deserved a playful punch in his ribs from the both and we all laughed.

"Until tomorrow, Itachi-san. Otsukaresama deshita!"

"Otsukare sama, Saburo-kun, Tadashi-san, Takuma-san".

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I was sixteen, Sasuke when our parents died. Both on the same day. There was no mystery about it. There was a storm, they were caught in the middle of it while travelling by car. Many people went missing, numerous victims of storm were found the next day.

In the morning a police officer came home to us to announce that they had found the bodies of our mother and father, burnt in a destroyed vehicle. They said the car had hit a tree on high speed then it exploded. They died fast and painlessly.

Sasuke, you didn't even cry. I remember the look in your eyes when you heard it. You jumped up happily and clapped your hands.

"At last! " you said and ran into your room, singing.

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"Go and fuck yourself, Itachi! You are not my mamma to tell me what to do and what not."

You giggled showing off in front of your half-drunk, half-drug effected company who were sitting partying in your room together with you.

"Sasuke. I will not tolerate this substance in our home. Stop with this or I'll have to take actions."

the lot of you laughed.

You sucked in the white thick smoke from the waterpipe, held it in, supressing a cough and passing the pipe to the next one , the girl sitting next to you, along with the whole gang in half a circle, waiting for their turn.

When you blew out the white stream in my direction, I covered my face. You pronounced quietly from half lidded eyes, smiling wide and tracing your finger down your chin, neck, down you torso.

"Itachi. You know you are so sexy now. Oh Itachi, you would love this body, right?" you threw your head backwards and giggled.

And everybody laughed again. Your friend who was dragging in the smoke, coughed and passed the pipe further.

I walked out f the room and closed the door.

Sasuke, 17 you were. What were you thinking?

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"I don't have to take this from you, Itachi. Fuck off!"

It was the same year, several months later. I had aranged a job for you in my company with my friend as your tutor. He would teach you about the market. About stocks.

Sasuke, you showed up only once and left a rather lousy impression about yourself, chatting with female personell at their desks and generally disturbing everybody's work. You were completely ignoring Ottawa-san, who was trying his best to explain you the order of things. You were simply manerless, Sasuke, and rude. You made me utterly ashamed for your behaviour and it took me hours to persuade Ottawa to give you another chance. Instead of seizing this opportunity and coming to work as appointed you were deliberately ignoring all my phonecalls until in the end at lunch time I got a minute to get home.

I found you laying at home in bed, badly smelling of alcohol fumes and God knows what more.

You were sleeping after one more drunken party the night before.

"Sasuke, I can't keep searching for excuses in your place. This job was not easy to arrange. You should have at least called and notified that you would not be coming to work"

You rolled on the other side and just before you covered your head over with a pillow you screamed on top of your lungs..

"Itachi! FUCK OFF!"

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"I love her, Itachi"

I was sitting with my yearly report. It was late at night. You lowered to me and removed the bunch of papers from the cushion beside me, put them on the table in an acurate pile, then sat down and pronounced.

"Itachi, listen to me."

I sighed. There was nothing to discuss.

"Sasuke, no. This talk is finished"

You threw the bunch of documents from the neat pile up in the air and they scattered all over the floor. I had to hand in those papers to my administration, the next day, Sasuke.

"Why the fuck do you have to interfer, Itachi?!"

You took a handful and tore the documents apart, took another one, did the same.

I got up on my feet and caught your hands.

"Sasuke. She is a minor. You can't marry her. She should have an abortion. This is my last word."

"Fuck you, Itachi! I don't need your fucking permission!"

"Yes, Sasuke. You do. Before you are 20 you need my concent in order to get married and she needs the permission of her parents. If they will find out, you know what happens next. You will go to prison, Sasuke."

You covered your face with your hands and lowered on the coushion. Defeated.

"Fuck! What am I to do now? Huh?"

I put an arm around your shoulder.

"Do you really love her, Sasuke?"

You threw my arm off and looked up on me. First you stared at me silently then your tone and expression had changed completely.

"What do you fucking think, Itachi? I don't fucking want to jail because of a little whore!"

you laughed.

Forgive me brother, but we did not have anything more to discuss. I turned around and left. I didn't have much time to recover those documents that you had destroyed.

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"Work your hand, Itachi"

Was it the time for my meds? I must have drifted off.

"Sasuke".

You smirked charging the syringe. You were sitting on my bed, next to me.

"Lean backwards, Itachi. This is going to hurt" you said to me, slightly pushing my head in the pillows.

You pressed out a drop or two and I watched a golden tiny fountain spray from the needle onto the tatami..

I smiled.

"Do you hate me that much, Sasuke?"

You looked me in my eyes, still holding my head with your free hand.

"You have no fucking idea." you said and stuck the needle in my neck next to the artery.

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N/A:

Hello, my sweet ones. Thank you for readng. Sorry for the delay in update. Every time I promise to be on time, I get something coming up and as a result- updated later. This time it was Cold that I haven't recovered from completely yet.

I hope this chapter won't leave you indifferent and it will cast a bit more light on the Itachi Sasuke relationship. As Always, -I'm all ears what you have to say. Thank you all for reviewing. You have no idea how much it means to me.

My last thank you is to my beta, the sweetest creature of all as she managed to go through the trouble of correcting my writing in such a short time (I LOVE YOU, Senpai,you know it.)

Yes, a small clarification:

inarizushi is a type of sushi

Otsukaresama deshita- that's what one says in Japan in the end of the working day or after the training.

well, that's about it...Love. Mainki


	5. No

**Chapter 5 . No.**

"Twenty to thirty minutes between the injections. And make sure he is under supervision constantly."

You nodded, still studying the kanji on the backside of the box with my new medicine. An addition to the old one. The doctor and you bowed to each other and we left, you rolling my wheelchair towards the emergency exit, down the dark empty corridor of the hospital, away from any curious eyes.

The security guard followed a little behind, escorting us through the back doors. There was a dark blue thick blanket covering me up to my chin, to hide the blood stains that had sprayed over my white shirt. It was not much but enough to attract attention and raise suspicions.

Not your blood, not mine, Sasuke.

You didn't say a single word to me even when we approached the car and you together with the guard seated me in, leaving the borrowed aid on the parking lot for the personnel to take care of. When you walked around the vehicle and took your place on the driver's seat and closed the door, you dropped your head on your hands on the steering wheel.

"Fuck!" you whispered through gritted teeth.

"Fuck! Itachi! Fuck!" you slammed your hand against the wheel, then started the engine. The car ripped off the place, leaving burnt tire tracks on the asphalt behind us.

You changed the gear and pressed the gas pedal into the floor, accelerating rapidly.

"Fuck, Itachi! What have you fucking done?!" you yelled at me turning to the left, driving out onto the expressway, maneuvering into the fifth lane. The fastest.

I heard the engine roar and the vehicle stumble as you changed the gear again.

We drove in silence, with only the sounds of you wiping your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt and slamming your hand back onto the steering wheel. You were crying, Sasuke. I could hear it.

I was awake and numb, my head leaning at an askew angle onto my chest, my eyes staring at the blue blanket over me.

I wished to tell you Sasuke, how sad it made me to hear you cry and be so frustrated. But I couldn't. This medicine they pumped into me was meant to send me into my deep sleep for hours but I was still awake fighting to keep conscious, for you.

When we arrived home you parked in front of the house and switched off the ignition and just sat silently, staring blankly ahead. Then you spoke.

"You nearly killed a man, Itachi. Do you understand?" you turned my head to face you.

I read so many emotions on your face towards me. And they were so much different from those just a few hours ago. I thought of how much you must have discovered about me but mainly about yourself. Was it new hatred? Or the old one for something I had committed in the past? Was it pity? I had to remember not to forget and ask you about it next time when I could talk.

My eyelids fell heavy on my face and I drifted off in to sleep, my thoughts were on you, sitting motionless in a car, watching the trees and the path by the house.

When I opened my eyes we were still sitting in the car, you had your eyes covered with your hand. Were you sleeping? Sasuke, you were still not resting enough and now there would be one more reason for you to be worried.

I moved my fingers under the blanket and yes I felt my hand. I stretched it towards you and stroked your cheek. You shrugged and opened your eyes, flinched away, scared.

"Fuck, Itachi." first confused. Then you looked at me and remembered. I saw it and I instantly took my hand away. It was not hatred anymore, Sasuke. This was far worse.

I wondered if you regretted it, taking me there today.

When you woke me up the morning you made an injection in my forearm.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, Itachi. Behave." That was all you said and you helped me to get up, dressed me and seated me in the car.

Sasuke, it had passed over a month already since the time I had returned home. Over a month. This would be the first time for me to leave our apartment.

There was a worrying factor Sasuke. You. I feared you would have to face the consequences for what you had done. And I was right.

When the doctor investigated the wounds you had been causing me the past week he was quiet at first.

"He was doing it constantly to himself while I was away. I just discovered it after that" you pointed at my neck "I can't watch him all the time" you added.

I smiled. Yes, Sasuke, you had made an injection to me today to make sure I would not contradict your side of the story. Though your worries were ungrounded. I would never inflict suspicions on you. This was unnecessary.

I saw you sweating slightly, Sasuke, when my doctor suddenly called after his colleague and they examined my scars and punctured skin thoroughly. They made you repeat what you had said and everything was signed in my medical journal. After a brief hesitation both doctors left us alone in the room. You turned to me and whispered.

"You see, Itachi, what fucking trouble you are putting me through? You better fucking do something about it and make it look trustworthy or we both will end up in places we don't want to be."

I looked in your eyes, Sasuke. What did you want me to do? How? I was not capable of answering or moving.

The doctors returned. There was another person with them. A security guard. Sasuke, it looked like your lies didn't work out well.

I saw a glimpse of worry flicker in your eyes when one of the doctors said to you.

"Uchiha-sama, we have reasons to doubt that your brother was in condition to cause himself these injuries. The medication he is prescribed is sufficient for the long lasting effect to suppress the aggression or any strong reactions."

Sasuke you were about to attack the medics when you shrieked "So what are you saying, that it's me who has done this to my own brother?"

The doctors exchanged the looks and the guard took a place next to my wheelchair, standing between me and you.

I saw how you panicked when you heard their next statement.

"We were forced to contact the police and they will escort you to the station for questioning. I am certain," the doctor added "that this is just a misunderstanding. Although you realize, Uchiha-sama, that we are obliged to follow the protocol and therefore Itachi Uchiha-sama would have to return under the hospital supervision."

Sasuke. You didn't count on that, did you? You didn't count that they would see how incapable I was to do something to myself. Though...

Looking at your eyes now, Sasuke. At your red face and your hands in fists. All those people staring at you with accusation. Polite disgust could clearly be read in their faces, and all of it was directed at you, not at me but at you.

Sasuke, what would happen to you now? Where would you end up? In jail, though what you had been doing was fair and I didn't blame you for any of that.

If only there was one chance for me to lift my hand and stretch it. Only one chance. Sasuke, this medicine, you shouldn't have injected it today. You shouldn't have. I tried to move my fingers and only one of them swayed a tiny bit. There was no way this could be seen as aggression.

Everybody was silent and waiting. I heard the approaching steps down the corridor. Yes, Sasuke. Japanese police was known for their fast actions. It didn't pass 5 minutes before they arrived.

You protested again as the door opened and two expressionless faces appeared. I saw them taking you by your elbows and you pushed the officer away from you. The other one took the handcuffs in his hand.

The doctors moved towards the desk away from the door as soon as the mess started. The guard was still standing next to my wheelchair and I watched a bunch of keys hanging on a ring from his pocket. They were rattling when he moved. Many keys, Sasuke, shiny, sharp, long and short, with peculiar shapes of teeth on them for various kinds of locks. The whole bunch of them.

One could take first the bluntest and the shortest one and push it all the way into human body, between the tenth and the elevenths ribs from the left side and watch. If one used a little bit longer key, one could puncture the lung, but this would be much harder to calculate where to stick it in, and the body wouldn't stand still probably either. One wouldn't want to miss it and meet the hard rib instead.

There was a possibility of cracking the rib, but not with those keys and not in my present state.

Hmm...there were higher chances of meeting the lung if I had a sharp object capable of slicing through the fabrics of the robe. I was not strong enough to do it with the keys only, or was I?

Sasuke, I had lost all interest in you now. Your troubles, brother... You had to learn to take care of yourself, not relying on me all the time.

What were you saying there? Screaming? Persuading? Were they even listening to you?

Sasuke, these keys, they were mesmerizing, how the light shimmered on them, how different distorted objects reflected off their surface.

A sudden realization came to me. Sasuke, were you irresponsible enough to have reduced the dose of my medication instead of increasing it before our trip here?

"I didn't do it!" I heard you exclaim just before the click of the handcuff on your wrist. Just an instant before the ring holding the keys cracked open and they were in my hand and with an amusing sound the bunch settled in the guard's body, in his side. Sasuke, did you hear? Did you see? The blood soaking his gray robe looked completely black, like ink. I watched the shiny keys color red, the shorter ones dangling below the wound and rattling like little bells, while the longer ones were deep in, as deep as they could get. As deep as I managed to stick them in.

I heard the panic and the screams, I heard people in white running into the room an stabbing me with injections, in my arm and my neck. I didn't resist Sasuke. I didn't care. I saw what I wanted to see, this vision of keys from the wound, Sasuke. This music they created when touched on another and the sound of blood drops gliding down the metal.

I saw your face in front of me Sasuke, just before everything blurred in one. You leaned to my ear and whispered in it.

"Thank you, Itachi."

What were you thanking me for, Sasuke? I didn't do it for you. I did it for him. And for me.

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Sasuke, how did you manage to persuade them to let me return back home with you? How? What words and resources could solve that? Did your illegal urabon organization help you with this problem, the Yakuzas?

We were silent all the way while you were driving us home. I couldn't move my limbs as the medicines were much stronger this time and I could hardly keep awake. My head was on my chest but I felt you without looking at you. I felt this specific scent that only one emotion created. Fear. Sasuke, being next to me in the car, knowing I could not harm you now you were still scared. Scared of me.

And you had all the rights to be. You couldn't know I wouldn't hurt you as I had done to the guard, or did you realize now what risk you had been putting yourself through every single day of your life? And still you were willing to take that risk? Why, Sasuke? Why?

When you helped me out of the car and walked me into my room you undressed me and lay my body on the bed. You left directly and I heard you talking on the phone sharply, answering curtly, agreeing to everything you were said with half certain "Hai. Onegaishimasu."

It sounded like you were having problems because of me.

When you came back, you sat on the sofa opposite my bed. I could picture you resting your chin in the palms of your hands as you were pressing your elbows in your knees. You sat silently for a while and I was drifting off to sleep when you said

"Itachi, what you did for me today...thank you".

I opened my eyes and turned my head to you. I could not speak loudly and it took all my force to lift two fingers of my right hand and call you up. You hesitated an instant then came closer and sat on your haunches next to my bed, neared your ear to my mouth to hear me say.

"Not for you. For me."

"No, Itachi" you shook your head and took my hand in yours.

"For me." I repeated and smiled.

You shook your head again and cupped my cheek.

"Fuck you, Itachi" you said and smiled too. "You are fucking sick". You said somewhat happily.

Sasuke? You sat on the floor now, not letting my hand go. You started laughing. First quietly then louder. Sasuke, the pressure of the day was getting to you.

"Fuck, Itachi. You nearly killed... a fucking man, you... know it?" you were embracing your stomach with the other hand.

"Haha...Itachi, did you see their fucking faces...? you..." you stumbled and looked at me . You hysteria stopped. You slowly got up on your feet and leaned over me, just a hand away from my face.

You looked me seriously in my eyes. It was a very long moment, Sasuke, when we just studied each other without any words. I thought I read hatred suddenly grow in your eyes as they turned glowing black.

"I hate you" you confirmed my suspicions and

you suddenly lowered and touched my lips with yours. You didn't kiss me, you bit through my lip instead. I felt blood run down my chin.

I laid and felt you biting, tearing my skin with your teeth. There would be marks left tomorrow for me to see.

You stopped and looked at me again, wiped off the blood from your face. My blood, Sasuke.

"You see what you have fucking done to me?" you smirked and stroked my cheek. "How will I explain that ?" you touched my mouth with your index finger and stuck it into my mouth.

What were you doing Sasuke? It tasted of blood, sweet and sour.

"Oh, Itachi" You through your head backwards. "If you only knew" you whispered and looked at me again, took your finger from my mouth and carried it to yours, licked it, added another one and sucked them deep, not taking your gaze away from my eyes, not even for an instant. You put your two fingers back in my mouth and moved them in deeper.

"Yes, Itachi. This is what you want. This is how you want it." you whispered infatuated as I lay feeling your fingers glide in and out of my mouth, over my tongue, over my lips. I didn't move Sasuke. What were you doing, I wondered? Why were you doing it?

When you finished your game you wiped your hand off on my blanket and patted me on my cheek.

"Itachi," you said "you are fucking sick." you smiled. Then you stood up.

"Sasuke" I whispered.

You leaned above my mouth to hear

"water please" I asked.

You looked at me and smiled.

"No".

And left the room.

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Sunlight through the frosted windows. The projection of the shaded pattern of the bamboo branch on the wall when the light streams through the shojo screen. The sound of your breath in deep sleep tickling my bare skin. Your hand was resting on my stomach, your head on my chest.

"Sasuke, I need to get up". I admired your closed eyes, your coal black hair sticking in all direction including my mouth when I kissed your forehead.

You moved a little but snuggled even closer to me, your leg laying across my leg.

"Sasuke...I need to...-"

"Wait, Itachi. Not just yet." you mumbled waking up.

I smiled and removed your head.

"Sasuke we will have to talk about it sooner or later, you know that?"

You rubbed your eyes and yawned, clearly annoyed.

"Fucking good morning, Itachi". You sat on the bed and yawned again, massaging the back of your neck.

"Why do you have to be an ass, Itachi, and spoil everything? Why can't we just enjoy this without your fucking lectures?"

I pulled you back to me, tightly.

"Because. Because we are brothers..."

You rolled your eyes.

"Fuck, Itachi, and what if I tell you I want more than that?" you asked , while your fingers playfully patted my abdomen.

I removed your hand and sat on the bed, and started putting my clothes on.

"No." I said, without turning my head.

Sasuke, you hated that word more than anything. It was for you alike a red rag for a bull. You caught my hand while I was putting my trousers on.

"Don't you want it, Itachi?" you looking in my eyes, and sat next to me.

"No".

I knew you would get furious, Sasuke. But even for a dream there were limits I couldn't afford to cross.

"Fuck you, Itachi." You said and kissed me.

I kissed you back, Sasuke. When we parted I repeated

"No."

"No?"

"No".

You smirked

"There are many different ways to skin the cat, Itachi" you also starting picking your clothes from the floor, from where you had thrown them before laying down with me in my bed.

"Sasuke. Nothing you say will change it. No."

A glimpse of disappointment, pain, anger, bitterness on your face.

You gave me your last "Fuck you, Itachi " and left. Not even slamming the door. Just left.

Even in my dream you always left, Sasuke, leaving me alone. In my room.

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N/A: Thank you for Reading. Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for correcting me and for telling me your opinion about my work.

I want to point out how important is my dear beta's job is in all this. Half of the credit is hers. Thank you, Senpai, for every chapter and every single mistake you find in my drafts.

And thank you all, my old and new reviewers, and my readers, my friends. Thank you for Everything.


	6. Away

**Chapter 6. Away.**

"Itachi." you said crossing the room and standing with your back towards the window, several steps away from me, your arms crossed on your chest. I was getting up and had my feet already on tatami, the palms of my hands were pressing against the black mattress of my low platform bed. When you entered my room I was just about to push myself up. You walked straight past me and stood there silently observing how I was persuading my body to follow my orders.

I felt the backs of my legs touch the cool smooth wood of the platform frame while I was forcing myself up. You said it again "Itachi."

"What is it, Sasuke?" I asked you, still wanting to get up without your assistance. You approached me and put your arms around me, helped me up and we both slowly moved towards the door. You were holding my arm over your shoulder, as always.

"I'm leaving for a few days, Itachi." You said then added

"There will be someone instead of me here".

"Who?" I asked.

"Nanako."

We stopped. I steadied myself with my hand against the wall and looked at you. The girl from urabon?

"Is this a good idea, Sasuke?"

You didn't answer at first and looked away. Your face was serious.

"Come on, let's move" you said, placing your shoulder under my arm again and opening the door. Several steps more I tried again.

"It is not safe for her".

"I know. But it's all I can do for now, Itachi." You cut off curtly.

"What about my medicine?"

"She will give it to you. She is studying to be a medic, so you don't need to worry."

We walked quietly up to the bathroom. You opened it for me and leaned against the wall.

"Where are you going to?"

But I knew you wouldn't answer. You just smirked and looked away. Again. Urabon? Or worse?

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"Ohayo gozaimasta, Itachi-san, Sasuke-san."

"Ohayo, Nanako".

"Ohayo gozaimasu".

Nanako-chan was dressed and looked differently from when we had met last time when you were shooting urabon in my room.

She wore an outfit suitable for usual office job, a light brown skirt that covered her knees and a white blouse with a high collar. Her hair was done up, neatly and strictly.

She had a brown leather briefcase in her right hand and a bigger bag that she left at the doors into my room.

"Itachi. Do you remember Nanako?" you asked me, looking at her, a peculiar smile playing on your lips. She bowed to you and to me, returning you the smile before doing that.

"Yes, of course. Hajimemashite, Nanako-chan."

She came up closer, greeted me with a short bow again and lightly squeezed my hand.

"How do you feel, Itachi-san?" she wondered.

You also raised from your seat and directly started giving her instructions.

"Nanako, here is his medication. Use it exactly as I said" she nodded.

Sasuke, had something happened that you had to leave so urgently? You wouldn't tell me of course. It was a rather irresponsible gesture, to rely with this complicated task on a woman, way we had met and got introduced to each other didn't make the current situation easier for any of us. I could tell she was embarrassed by the way she tried not to meet my gaze.

I watched you pulling the boxes from the draw showing and explaining about the injections and dosage and the scheduler. She was writing it down in her notebook, the one she had retrieved from her briefcase. She was attentively listening to everything you spoke of, making notes and not interrupting you a single time.

"if it starts you give him this..."

Sasuke, did you realize what risk you would be putting her through by leaving her here with me alone?

"you can try to tie up his arms, but heavy covers work just as fine. Put them over him as many as needed..."

Were you prepared to face the consequences if she was to commit one mistake? This one mistake could cost her life, Sasuke. You realized that, didn't you?

"careful with the glass..and sharp objects. He can hurt himself."

You turned to me.

"See?" you pointed at my lip. "Don't let him drink from the glass if he is too bad or _this_ will happen."

She looked with a pity at me. Yes, Sasuke, you were right, this could happen but it never did. Not a single time.

I smiled at you, brother. I couldn't really expect you to confess to Nanako-chan about how this little insignificant incident had occurred the day before. Sasuke, I stopped seeing logic in your actions and the only thing that I was certain about now that you were about to leave and she would stay in your place for as long as it was required.

Nanako-chan. She was an interesting choice, Sasuke. Was there no one else to ask and the whole trip was so sudden that you didn't manage to prepare for it in advance? Or was it your intention from the beginning to confuse me and surprise me once again?

"and try to sleep too. He won't kill you. Just watch the time with the meds".

"Hey, Itachi," you addressed me in the end. "be kind and nice to Nanako."

"Yes, of course" I answered honestly and she smiled a forced smile. I could not blame her for that.

"Come on, Nanako. I'll show you to your room and then I'll be off " you turned to me in the doors. "I'll see you, Itachi. Behave."

When the door closed behind you I heard you say to her

"the guest room, you can also call me if something happens. I won't be able to answer, but leave a message..."

After that you left.

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Like a prison. No, like a cage. In my own room, in my bed, an unfamiliar person watching over my shoulder, studying my every move, my every breath.

She was sitting in the sofa, in _your_ sofa, Sasuke, where you used to sit. She was reading a book and casting worried looks in my direction. My eyes were closed but I could picture her well as if I was watching her now closely, as if I was studying her. Her reactions, her thoughts, her fear.

There she was her legs crossed under her, her elbow resting on the cushion of the sofa. She was turning the pages a little bit too fast for being captured in reading.

I heard a quiet swish when the fabrics of her skirt brushed against the velvet of the furniture. I heard her dumped frequent steps on tatami in my direction. A moment later her cold hand touched my forehead, then my face. I waited with opening my eyes as she stroked my cheek.

"Itachi-san, wake up, please. Itachi-san" she called quietly.

I opened my eyes. She was standing above me, cupping my cheek, no fear, no hate, just pity.

"Itachi-san, time for your medication soon." she said smiling.

I tried to see the numbers on the clock on the wall behind her but I could not distinguish them clearly, my sight was fuzzy in the first minutes after waking up.

"Is it the time already?" I wondered. It felt too early.

"We have an hour, but I thought it might be good if you eat something before that" she said.

I frowned.

"Nanako-chan. I would really love to, but we'll leave it to later on."

She nodded and returned back to the sofa. There was no point trying to sleep now. I thought a little then asked her.

"You don't need to stay here all the time, you know that, Nanako-chan?"

She shook her head.

"Your brother asked me to look after you and not leave you for a minute."

Her eyes were glittering when she spoke about you, Sasuke.

"Do you like my brother, Nanako-chan?" I asked and she took her gaze away, smiled embarrassed.

"Yes," she said."I do, very much".

Sasuke, I wished you saw it and realized it. One more beautiful woman was in love with you.

"You would make a good couple" I said to her as she lifted her gaze and laughed.

"No-no, Itachi-san. I don't like him _this_ way! I just like him. Like a brother" she came up, tucked the duvet under my side and walked towards the door, smiling.

"Hmm...like a brother.."

I repeated after her.

"Yes, Itachi-san. Same as I like you."

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"Did it hurt?" she asked me after making me an injection. She sat on the side if my bed, my hand in her hands. She was tissue touching my forehead to wipe off sweat of my face. She had put the kit away and only a glass of clear liquid was standing on the bedside table, awaiting for its time. If needed.

"No, it didn't hurt" I said, gritting my teeth, feeling the trembling resonating in my limbs. Now it would start. Now it would start. Now it would...

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I opened my eyes She was curled on the floor, sleeping. A thin towel covering her instead of the blanket. She had all her clothing on, exactly as yesterday when she came in.

This was a very uncomfortable way of sleeping. I tried to move, but the mass of blankets and heavy covers restrained me and my body was weak and powerless. I needed to drink.

I lifted myself on my elbows and eventually sat on the bed.

"Itachi-san" she said, waking up directly and getting up.

"Why are you not in your room?" I asked when she helped me to remove the blankets. This would be the time when had to get to the bathroom. You would usually help me, Sasuke. But you were not here now.

"I couldn't leave you, Itachi-san. I was afraid you would hurt yourself or something".

I frowned.

"Why would I do that?"

"This medicine," she said also frowning "it's not good for you, Itachi-san. You should consult the doctors about it. It's not normal to have reactions like that." she helped me on my feet, holding me around my waste.

"This is unimportant, Nanako-chan. But thank you anyway " I said as we were walking out of the room.

"I could talk to someone, some professional maybe..." I stopped.

"I am sorry. But it is better if we leave this conversation, Nanako-chan. My brother knows what is best for me."

"Yes, but there might be better ways..." she parred, looking in my eyes. We were standing now at the doors to the bathroom. I smiled.

"Thank you, I can manage myself now" I said and put my hand on the doorknob. She covered my hand with hers and said kindly but firmly.

"No, Itachi-san. I'm sorry, but your brother specially told me not to leave you unattended even for a minute."

I stared at her.

"I really could .."

she opened the door, walking me in.

"I'll turn around, don't worry. Itachi-san. I'm studying to become a doctor and also...it's not like I haven't seen..."

"I see." I said and lowered onto the toilet seat. Yes, brother, a very interesting challenge you have set up for me. A very interesting one, indeed.

"How long would Sasuke be gone for?" I asked, trying to concentrate on relaxing and getting rid of my bodily wastage in a presence of an unfamiliar person, who was doing her best to study the pattern on the sakura and bamboo branches on the bathroom tiles.

"Several days. I don't know the details."

"I see." I said again.

Sasuke. This was a _very_ interesting situation. I wondered what was your purpose with this exactly?

"He is worried about you" Nanako said all of a sudden, turning around and coming very close to me.

She tore a section of toilet paper and put it into my hands.

"Here. I'll stand outside. But you will have to do better than that next time" she said and the door closed behind her. I heard her lean against it, waiting for me. I smiled.

"You have to keep talking to me all the time, while you are in there alone, Itachi-san" she said through the doors.

"Yes, of course" I answered.

It was a smart decision. Sasuke, maybe you were not wrong and she was the person who could do it better than you.

"What shall we talk about while you are busy, Itachi-san?" she asked me again.

"We could talk about you and my brother" I said.

I pictured her so well now. How she blushed and smiled when asking

"What about me?"

I felt relaxed. And it didn't take long until I was ready.

"What do you like?" I wondered, as I was washing my hands, my face, cleaning my teeth. I listened to her talking all the time. She told me that her parents lived in outskirts of Kawasaki and that she had a little brother and an older sister there. I had learnt that she aspired to become a doctor and that her family was too poor to pay for her education in Tokyo University and that urabon was how she supported herself. I also learnt that she lived in a student apartment in International Plaza in Akasaka, sharing it with 3 more girls from the same course where she went to.

"It's a very dear place to live, Nanako-chan", I told her.

Akasaka, neighboring to Roppongi, the nightclub area in Tokyo. An exclusively expensive place to reside.

"Yes, I know. "she replied.

When I came out I asked her

"How do you know my brother?" She gave me her shoulder to lean on and we made a few steps.

"Well, we ...do urabon together."

I frowned and looked at her.

"Do you want to sit here, in the living room for a change? I could make some tea and a breakfast while we are talking?"

I looked around.

"Yes, why not?"

I smiled to her and we walked into the living room both slowly moving our legs, burning mine against the tatami, her holding me around my waist, my arm resting on her shoulder. A little fragile woman, taking care of me, helping me to walk. For the first time in a month, Sasuke, somebody asked me if I wanted to be out of my room where I'd spend the nights and the days. And it wasn't you, Sasuke. It was her.

She helped me to lower myself in the sofa by the television.

"Will you be comfortable?" she asked

"Yes, of course. Please, don't rush. I'll be happy to hear more about you. The breakfast can wait"

she laughed and went towards the kitchen, just several meters away from me.

"No, Itachi-san. Breakfast can't wait. It's the most important meal of the day and if you are not eating it, I am!"

I closed my eyes. Sasuke, did you even know what you had done? You made me happy. Thank you.

I started drifting off listening to her voice as she was preparing our breakfast.

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"What profit does urabon give you, Nanako-chan?"

She reddened. This topic was unpleasant for either of us.

"Itachi-san, could we please not discuss it?" she asked taking her hand away.

It had been the end of the third day now Sasuke and she'd spend them all here, by my bed. She would also walk me around the apartment and sit with me by the windows in the living room. She insisted on me walking as much as my body could take it until my legs were incapable of holding me upright anymore.

Sasuke, she had been sleeping on the sofa in my room, and was always there when I opened my eyes.

She didn't complain a single time, though she must have been tired and exhausted after these days.

I wished to help her, to pay her back in some way.

"Nanako-chan" I addressed her firmly "When my brother gets back I shall talk to him. I am certain there are resources in my family that could help you without you needing to get involved in urabon any more than you already have".

She studied me seriously for a moment then frowned and answered.

"Itachi-san. This is not possible."

Pride? No, this was not pride. I looked at her face. I got a weird feeling, Sasuke. What was it? What didn't I know?

"What is the reason?" I wondered.

The answer she gave me came as a surprise. She took my hand in hers and stroked my cheek.

"Itachi-san. Sasuke-san hardly manages himself. It's not easy for him."

I did not understand.

"Nanako-chan", I said firmly, "We don't need to ask Sasuke, if you are uncomfortable with that. I own stocks that would solve this problem without any complications."

She lowered her gaze and was quiet for a while, the she returned back to sitting on the sofa, took a book in her hands.

I watched her wondering what she was thinking. When she hadn't spoken in a while, concentrating on her activity I asked her myself.

"Wouldn't you accept my help, Nanako-chan?"

she lifted her eyes and pronounced

"Of course I would. It's just so that you cannot help me, Itachi-san. You are broke. Sasuke is working to pay for the hospital and the rest. He is paying for me taking care of you now. So you don't need to worry about it."

She was talking long but I could not recognize her words. They all sounded the same. You worked to support me? We had nothing? How, Sasuke? Why?

Urabon. You were in urabon because of that? What more had happened in those months? What hadn't you told me?

"Nanako-chan. I wish to speak to my brother. Call him and inform him to return back. This cannot wait."

she came up to me.

"No, Itachi-san. Let him be. Please. Don't take away that little what he has left"

And we didn't talk about it more.

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"Itachi-san! Itachi-san!" she woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt surprisingly heavy in my body, I looked down, yes, restraints again. So it was not getting better from the previous time, the reaction to the medicine.

"What is it?" I asked feeling my tongue as if wrapped in cotton and it was extremely hard to speak.

She put a glass of water to my mouth, tilting my head to the side. I was not thirsty but I drunk it anyway. My head fell back on the pillow.

"Itachi-san. You were dreaming badly. You were talking in your sleep so loudly...and moaning "

I remembered now and lowered my gaze.

"You should not worry" I said.

She protested and wiped off the side of my mouth with cold oshibori.

Yes, I had that dream again. I was dreaming of you, Sasuke. Did I betray something while in a sleep?

She placed the glass on the bedside table and stroked my cheek affectionately.

"Is it him you are dreaming about?" she asked looking in my eyes.

So I _had_ mentioned you, Sasuke.

"There is no need to worry" I repeated.

She lowered and kissed me in my cheek.

"You love him, don't you, Itachi-san?"

I turned my head away. This was a very uncomfortable situation. A very unpleasant one. If I hadn't just woken up I would have reacted most likely differently, but my thoughts were not gathered, Sasuke. My head was still heavy the only thing I thought of was to say the way it was.

"Yes, he is my brother. Of course I love him".

She smiled and shook her head.

"I mean not only like that. Itachi-san, I understand. I'll never tell him."

I looked at her.

"He is my little brother, Nanako-chan. That is exactly how I love him."

she took her hand away and stopped smiling.

"Of course" she said and went to sit on the sofa.

I felt like I had insulted her. But I didn't lie.

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"He is not here yet?" I asked her in the morning. She was sitting by the side of my bed, tired, black rings under her eyes. Sasuke, you spoke to her over the phone yesterday that you would be coming back. Several hours ago.

"He should return back soon" she said, stroking my hand.

Nanako. She had been a very caring nurse, a kind tender woman. She was worried about you too. I smiled to her reassuringly.

"Of course he will."

We both heard your approaching steps on the path. The door opened. I could picture you throw your footwear in the corridor and make a few steps. Sasuke, something was not right. You fell down and cussed loudly.

"Itachi-san," Nanako said to me quietly, looking more than simply concerned." I shall go and greet Sasuke-san home".

I squeezed her hand.

"No". I said.

"Fuck! To heck with all this fucking furniture!" we heard you yell from behind my doors. Sasuke, what was wrong with you?

"Help me up, please" I asked her, pushing my body on the elbows. She embraced me to help me to get up.

You kicked the door open at that exact moment.

"The fuck?!" you shrieked, charging to my bed, catching Nanako's arm and throwing her away from me.

"What is wrong with you, Sasuke? What are you doing?" I made an attempt to get up now.

She fell on her knees on the floor but raised up directly, brushed herself off and ran out of the room.

"Don't you fucking touch him with your dirty hands, Nanako! He is not yours." you screamed at her back and landed on my bed, pushing me back into my pillows.

You smelled of alcohol, Sasuke. And you looked like a total mess. What had happened to you?

You took my face in your hands and kissed me on my lips.

"Itachi. I fucking missed you." You whispered in my mouth. "I was fucking crazy without you".

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N/A: I'm late with the update again. I'm bringing my apologies. This was tricky for me to write in order to slow down the tempo of the story a little bit. I know the plot twists confuse you very much, so this chapter is meant to give some breathing space. And maybe give birth to new theories about how why and what the fuck...lol.

As always. Mainki.


	7. Nightmare

**Chapter 7. Nightmare.**

"Sasuke, you are drunk" I pressed my hands against your chest and firmly pushed you away.

"So what, Itachi?" you leaned down again holding my face in your palms as you nuzzled my neck and stroked my chin.

"Enough." I repeated and hit you in your stomach.

The punch was not hard but it sent you off the bed. I saw how your face turned gray and shaking from side to side you eventually got up, measured me with your gaze and moved towards the door. Just before opening it you looked back at me, smirked and said nothing more.

"Nanako!" I heard you screaming. "Give him his fucking medicine!"

I looked at the clock on the wall. This was not the right time for my medication yet, it was several hours too early.

I heard Nanako-chan quietly protesting then I heard a shriek and the sound of running legs. Nanako had left.

"Sasuke!" I called."What have you done?Sasuke?" But there was no answer.

You had made a big mistake by hurting a person who had been kind to me.

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Slowly and steadily, one leg after another, I made it up to the opposite wall. I looked at the clock, it took me almost half an hour but the further I walked the easier it became. Through the door, out , along the corridor, past the bathroom, past the living room, past the small hallway and there it was, your room.

When I stood right next to your door, leaning against it, I could hear no sounds coming from behind it.

"Sasuke" I called and knocked. You didn't answer. I pulled the door open and entered.

It was dark. I could hardly see you. It had been a very long time, Sasuke, since I came into this room, and much it had changed since then. You used to have so many things laying around, now it was almost empty, as if you had gotten rid of everything besides the mattress on the tatami and a few cardboard boxes that your clothes were thrown into. It smelled untidy in here and the windows were covered with dark blinds. In comparison with my room, Sasuke , yours looked like it was a part of another home, a poorer and a dirtier one.

You were laying on the bed, face down, your hand halfway on the floor and the other one under the mess of a pillow. Was it even a pillow, Sasuke? To me it looked like a rolled up piece of clothing you had taken off. You had only your briefs on and I saw the duvet was crumbled under your feet as if you had just crushed on your bed not bothering to cover yourself up.

It felt chilly. And you could really use a blanket not to freeze.

I called you again.

"Sasuke."

You didn't answer but sighed and murmured something in sleep. I slowly walked over to you and stood just above, observing how your back and your shoulders were moving up and down every time you breathed in and out. I lowered, being extremely cautious not to fall down and eventually I sat on the floor , next to your so-called bed.

Sasuke I had come here to ask you about Nanako, to tell you how wrong you had been by treating her the way you did, and now after almost an hour of walking where were my thoughts?

What I saw in your room shocked me. It contrasting so much from the rest of the apartment, what with all the mess and dirt. Was there truth in what Nanako-chan had told about our financial state? Why would you hide it from me? Were you purposely keeping me unaware of things making me believe that we had it as fine as before while you were existing on minimum?

Was that the real reason why you never wanted me to walk and move around the house? Or was this just a coincidence? And why would you sacrifice your luxury that you used to fill up your life and surrounding with and had left only the most essential and basic things while my room was continuing to be as it used to be?

You moaned again.

"Sasuke" I touched your shoulder. Just now I noticed how covered in scratches, bite marks and even bruises your body was. There were old scars on your pale skin and many new ones.

"Mmm..there, right there" you murmured and moved a little. You were still asleep and I shook you a little.

"Sasuke, wake up." you lifted your head, keeping your eyes closed and just turned over to lay on your back.

You threw your arm over your eyes and put the other one on my wrist, lifted my hand and placed it on your stomach, still holding it with yours. I looked at your face, brother. You were fast asleep, your face was calm and relaxed. You were breathing through your mouth and I could distinguish the mixture of several types of alcohol coming from you. Suddenly goosebumps covered your chest. Were you getting cold?

You moaned again and arched your back a little. Then you dragged my hand and placed it on top of your briefs.

"There. " you mumbled and moaned again. I took my hand away.

This was nothing I wanted to witness and there was no point staying in here any longer. I got up, slowly and carefully, still looking at you, how you were holding your hand over your underwear. I turned away and moved towards the door.

"Itachi..I want you" you moaned again. And I could hear you started pleasuring yourself with no control over your actions.

You called my name, Sasuke. Were you having a dream about me? A sexual dream?

I turned to look at you again. Your eyes were wide open and a smile played on your lips. "Already leaving, Itachi?" you asked me, fully awake all of a sudden.

I had come to ask you about Nanako. I had tried to wake you up with no success. Now you seemed awake and I had no words to answer your question. No words even to ask you mine. I observed you for a minute then left. You were drunk and didn't realize how sick what you were doing was.

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Sasuke, the same evening you came into my room and made me an injection. You didn't say a single word until the medicine started working. I was already drifting off when you suddenly sat on my bed and said, looking in my eyes.

"Itachi, do you want to hear a funny thing? It's about you. You probably don't remember it now after all this shit you've been pumped so full of . Because your brain is not like it used to be."

You mocked and fake sighed.

"So this is what I want to tell you, Itachi. Your company, well, I have sold it. Actually, no, I've given it away to somebody. Yes, just given it away, as a present".

A laugh.

"It meant a lot to you, didn't it? All this time you spent with your fucking stock analysis, reports and all that shit. Itachi-"

you touched my cheek with your cold fingers.

" and those employees of yours, they all ended up losing their jobs. Because...yea, it went bankrupt, the whole shit. " you grinned satisfied.

"Itachi, I wanted to deliver this news to you myself but fucking Nanako-"

I opened my eyes. Sasuke, you were playing a dangerous game now. I hoped you would stop yourself in time and not pour dirt onto the person who was kind and considerate of me all along. But no, you were evidently enjoying this. Was this a part of the payback?

"Itachi. I see that you can hear me."you smirked and traced my lips with your thumb, then leaned above my face

"what if I tell you that she will never ever come here again. Huh, Itachi? And I will be back to taking care of you?"

That thought had occurred me before, Sasuke. I had expected it to happen any time.

"No? Not afraid? And what if we try differently? One more urabon in front of you?"

you studied my reaction closely. It made you smile a genuine smile

"I see, this is getting better. " you kissed my cheek, watching my eyes the whole time.

"and I will hurt her and make you watch how she screams in pain while I'll be fucking her "

My fingers would not move and my body was completely paralyzed by the medicine now.

"Yes, Itachi," you whispered just above my mouth. You parted my lips with your tongue you continued "God, how good you taste, Itachi. I wish I didn't have to drug you every time and we could just enjoy each other..." you pushed in to mouth, pressing my jaws open with the fingers of your right hand.

Sasuke. Why would you want to do this to me?

You kissed me, Sasuke. And this was the last thing I could remember before it all went black.

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When I opened my eyes the next day I saw you crouched on the sofa, sleeping in your boxers only. You had spent the night in my room, Sasuke. There was the question in my head that I needed to know the answer for.

"Sasuke" I called. You opened your eyes and stared at me.

"What the fuck?" you asked in a sleepy voice.

"Koi, I want to ask you something."

"Fuck off Itachi. I'm not your dog. Ask from there".

This was not the time for jokes.

"Koi." I repeated firmly. You growled and after a hesitation you came up.

"This better be import-"

I didn't let you finish the sentence and caught your hand yanking it towards me. Your face was above mine.

"Itachi. What the fuck?!" you whispered instead of screaming. You froze just above my lips. So this was not my imagination. Sasuke you were attracted to me more than you should be.

"What is it?" you asked me quietly and pressed your lips against mine.

"Why, Sasuke? We are brothers.."

You smirked. "How the fuck should I know , why?" Now you moved away from me, sat on the bed, staring blankly in the wall.

"Don't you feel the same for me, Itachi? " you pronounced after a pause then you slowly turned your head and looked in my eyes.

I didn't answer.

You shrieked at me

"Don't you fucking feel the same?" your lips covered mine and you kissed me.

Sasuke this was no dream, I felt how hard it was to breathe when you saddled my stomach.

You began biting at my lips and my tongue and you were hoarsely moaning as your body was grinding against mine, your knees pressing at my sides. You rolled me over you, now you were laying under me your back on my bed, my hands touching and admiring the bare skin of your chest, your shoulders, your neck.

Sasuke. A sudden thought. Feeling you so close to me I felt a desire to squeeze your throat. I could do it just now if I wanted to, did you think about that?

"What's wrong , Itachi?" you asked, feeling my studying gaze on you. We were both panting, Sasuke. How beautiful you were, your lips so dark red, so moist, your eyes clouded …I smiled to you and kissed you again.

"Itachi, you could..." your hands slid over the front of my track pants. Now you knew Sasuke. You felt it now. You stopped what you were doing immediately and whispered. I felt your erection throb against my leg.

"Itachi...you don't …?" fear and shock in your voice.

"No, Sasuke. I don't." I whispered back, frowning.

"The fuck?!" you screamed and pulled my track pants down. I had no erection, Sasuke. You did, but I did not.

You looked at me.

"Is this some kind of sick joke, Itachi?" you asked.

"No."

You gasped and just kept staring at me.

"You have planned it all along, haven't you?"

I sighed.

"I needed to know" I said.

"Needed to fucking know what, Itachi? " you shrieked in my face, your fist in the air, at ready to land in my face, depending on my answer. I see.

I answered honestly.

"I needed to know if you were really attracted to me, Sasuke. And how much in this case."

"Yea? Well you fucking found out now, didn't you?" you were still aiming your fist at me.

"Yes, now I know. Thank you, Sasuke." You punched the pillow centimeters from my head.

Suddenly you grabbed my head with your two hands and kissed my lips, passionately. I kissed you back. Sasuke.

"So it's your game, Itachi? Like that?" your fingers running in my hair, your breath hot on my face.

I closed my eyes.

"There is no game, Sasuke."

I had dreamt of it so many times and now for the first time I could enjoy it in reality. I had admitted it to myself. Yes, I wanted you. I loved you. The same way as you did. This was dangerous and worrying and I would never be able to pleasure you.

My limbs were getting paralyzed more and more. Already now I could hardly feel my legs, not talking about something as complicated as that. This was beyond my capability.

"Itachi"

I opened my eyes.

You went down my stomach, lower and got into position between my legs, took my soft member in your hand and brushed with it against your cheek, opened your mouth and froze just above its head.

"Watch me." You said.

Sasuke. This was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. How your head was going up and down, how your hand moved so playfully, so skillfully, the way your tongue was drawing incredible patterns on my skin.. Sasuke...it was both amazing and in vain. You worked yourself off after an hour. I was stroking your hair and your beloved face, your lips around my flesh.

"Fuck you, Itachi". You said at last, exhausted, and lay next to me on the bed, resting your head on my chest. Your back and face were all sweaty after the hard work. I stroked your shoulder and kissed your forehead.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke. I wish I could."

You sighed.

"The meds?" you asked.

I kissed your forehead again and didn't reply.

You thought a little bit then said.

"We'll take you off them, Itachi. You don't need them."

I pushed you a little to look in your eyes.

"No."

"What do you mean, no, Itachi?" you exclaimed

"No, Sasuke. I need them, you know that yourself."

"Bullshit, Itachi. If you are addicted, we'll just reduce the dose, little by little. You'll be fine. "

"No."

Now you got angry.

"What the fuck no, Itachi? Why? It sounds like you want it yourself, do you? To be a vegetable. Not being able to walk, fuck and take a shit by yourself. Not being able to do anything. Is that how you like it?"

I kissed your forehead again.

"If we finish with my injections, Sasuke, it will be dangerous". I said.

"Tch. Crap. Dangerous? What fucking dangerous, Itachi? I'll talk to the doctors, if you have an abstinence we can get some relaxants for you or something. Your body can handle without it. Fuck, you sound like a drug addict, Itachi."

I smiled at your words.

"Yes, Sasuke. I am addicted to this medicine. But it's not what I mean"

"No?"

"No"

"So what is it then? You're gonna run around smashing things and singing Ave Maria in the middle of the convenience store? That is dangerous?"

I looked you in your eyes and stroked your cheek gently.

"No, Sasuke. If we stop with my injections I will kill you." I said seriously, stroking your velvety skin.

"I don't want to do it, Sasuke. But I will kill you."

You paled. I read fear in your eyes but after a hesitation you put your head back on my chest and sighed, stroking my hand.

"Do it." you said.

"What?"

"Kill me. If you want it so much, come on, kill me."

All of a sudden you jumped off the bed and ran out of the room, leaving the door open. I heard your steps in the kitchen, then you entered the room again.

You were back. You had a butcher's knife in your hand, Sasuke.

I covered my eyes with my hands. It was getting hard to breathe. I whispered to you as you came and sat next to me on the bed.

"Sasuke, please. Take it away." You ripped my hands off my face.

"Here" you said, pointing the tip of the knife into your chest, holding the handle against you with your other hand.

"Here, Itachi. All you have to do is press it. Go for it. Do it. Kill me. If you want to." My hands were trembling.

"Sasuke, please, don't. You know how dangerous.." I swallowed.

"Here" you put my hand on the knife and pushed it. I saw the metal blade penetrate through your skin and dark red bubble of blood started growing turning eventually into the stream that was running down your chest, your abs, onto my skin...

"Kill me.." you said again. And took your hand off mine. It was me holding the knife now. Only me.

You didn't move more and just watched me getting panic and excitement and fear and happiness and pain and love and...

Black rings with bright orange circles found their way back into my vision. I took several seconds to keep my breath in as I shut my eyes gathering my will. I cast the knife on the floor. "Leave." I said "And don't come back. I want to get back to the hospital."

You sat there and looked at me, then wiped off the blood drops from your chest. The scratch was not deep, but I didn't want to see it a second more. I didn't want to see you. It was not safe. It took all my willpower to resist this game that you had put up for me and the second time might not be as lucky. I couldn't afford staying here any longer. I had to return back.

"No." you said.

"Sasuke...-" my throat was dry and it was hard to speak. "...you have to take me back " I choked out, looking at you, trying to make you realize before it was too late.

"No" you repeated.

I felt my hands start sweating, sweat was running under my arms, down my back, from my neck, down my chest, I felt sweat stinging my eyes.

"Sasuke, this is not safe. I don't want to hurt you. But this will happen if you.."

"No." Stubbornly you were repeating this stupid word. Like a kid. Like a brat, Sasuke. The brat that needed to be taught a lesson.

I bit my lip. And closed my eyes tried to relax, feeling how the trembling in my hands was starting to get to the other parts of my body. I felt cold. You covered me with a blanket and wiped the sweat from my face with a cloth, brought for me a glass of water, but I couldn't drink. I spilled most of it and you had to move me on the dry side of the bed, now my whole body shaking and you were trying to hold me still in your arms, stroking my head, my back. You were saying something to me Sasuke, but I couldn't hear. Soon I couldn't even see you, or any other objects around. It all blurred in one and started spinning.

When my shaking lightened, and you laid me on my pillows, the duvet under my chin, you kissed my forehead and said.

"You are not going back to the hospital, Itachi. We are taking you off these meds, brother. Even if it costs me my life."

I closed my eyes, praying this was a dream. My worst nightmare, Sasuke. I prayed I would open my eyes and see you holding the syringe with the yellow liquid that you would stab me with until I pass out. I wished I never had to live through this day again, never see you again.

Sasuke, what I saw with my closed eyes, hardly regaining the ability to lay still, what I saw was the vision of your chest sliced up with the steel butcher's knife that you had put into my hand earlier on. I could even sense the metallic scent on my fingers, though my hands were at my sides under the duvet. I could even taste the metal in my mouth, on my tongue, as if I had licked the blade clean after it had sliced through your chest. Sasuke. All I needed was just some rest for my muscles before I could do it. Did you know, Sasuke, how hard it actually was to cut through the human ribs to open the chest of a man? It's not the same as when you butcher meat or chicken, not even a wild boar. It's a hard job. And you don't want to do it too slowly, like when opening the bear can. Or a tin of tofu. You stab with the opening knife through the aluminum lid to get to the insides. But you do it so that not to hurt yourself and not to vandalize the container.

Sasuke, this is how your friends met their deaths. Do you remember? Can you still remember the sounds of their throats bubbling red foam when I opened their chest containers? Such melodic sound, Sasuke. First it's almost like slicing a ripe watermelon, when it cracks open and all the red juice is running out, spraying your face and hands, sweet red juice. If you keep slicing it you can hear this mesmerizing sound of digging through the hard parts, like crushing of the ribs of a human body...the freshly opened pipe of throat, if you open it fast enough you can still hear the whistling of the oxygen escape through the hole in a tube, bubbling and spraying the red juice everywhere. Such beautiful music Sasuke. Fascinating. Hypnotizing. Making me drunk . I would love to open your container, Sasuke, and listen to its music. All those sounds your body could produce for me. I would do it slowly starting with simple accords of a slice of the skin and a crack of one bone. We could listen to it together, Sasuke. For hours. But first I needed some rest. Then I could gather my strength and do it. For you. For us.

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N/A: I must say this chapter has a very special place in my heart. A very special one. I hope you will find it at least entertaining as it's been written with a lot of emotion and love. As Always, it's important for me to know your opinion. Especially after this one.

I will not be updating for a couple of weeks now. My beta is going on a holiday and I'll be patiently waiting for her return. I hope the length of this chapter and the next one will make up for the wait.

And now I'm off to waiting for your comments. Thank you for reading. As Always.M.


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